Damn Regret
by nikkipiesuprise
Summary: Castiel had gotten out from under a hundred reasons not to be in Lawrence, Kansas when a phone call early one Sunday morning has him heading straight for the airport and back into the lion's den. AU Destiel fic, very M rated for later chapters, language and character death. ((Flashbacks) warning for those who don't like!)
1. Damn Regret

Chapter 1

Its funny the way people suddenly evolve after high school, as if emerging from the academic constraints shakes loose all of those personality traits we try to conceal and we become the real us… Some people get married, get pregnant, get careers, get laid.

Castiel Novak focused on putting the deadbeat town of Lawrence, Kansas in his rear view as fast as he could and never looking back, and he managed it spectacularly. Castiel buried himself in his new life in Atlanta, throwing himself into working through college all for the ultimate goal of becoming a lawyer. He spoke to his parents frequently and they would drop little bits and pieces of information about his graduation class and family friends. They visited a couple of times a year, he thought they were glad of the distraction now that they were retired and they never pushed for him to return to Kansas. Finishing law school with distinction, he fell into a job with a local firm, it was small but the people were great.

It was early sunday morning when Castiels cell phone broke the sleepy stillness of his bedroom, drilling mercilessly into his ear and dragging him into the waking world hours earlier than he wished. He groped wildly at his bedside table, searching for the accursed object and noticing ruefully that he was alone in his small bedroom, not that he had expected anything more than a quick fuck, but a goodbye would have been nice.

"Hello?" Castiels voice was rough, throat dry in the aftermath of his nights excursions. His head protested along with his throat, hangover flying to the fore when he opened his eyes to seek out the time and maybe a cigarette if he was lucky. The other end of the phone had remained curiously silent, he lit a cigarette with a frown, trying to ignore the unfamiliar cologne wafting from the other side of the bed. "Hey, anyone there?"

"Cas- Castiel." It was his mother, she sounded upset.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm- I'm fine sweetheart, its-"

"Dad?" He asked sharply, heart speeding up.

"Your father is fine, Castiel." she said it softly, but he could still hear her voice shaking, "It's Jo, honey. There was an accident-"

"Mom? Is she okay?" Now his voice was shaking too.

"There was an accident- Ellen says- Ellen says she's-" she was sobbing now and Castiel could hear everything in the sound, as if there weren't words designed to encompass a loss like this. Of course there weren't words, the guttural sounds emerging from his own mouth could attest for that. They continued like that, laying grief upon grief for some unknowable amount of time, Castiels cigarette scorched his fingers as if scorned by his inattention and he cursed loudly, his Mother's sobs halted at that, and she seemed to pull herself together, "We've bought you a plane ticket honey, you need to come home."

"Yes, mom." He rubbed his face trying to push the tears away until he was ready to process them properly, his mother relayed the flight details and said her goodbyes. He had three hours to pack and get to the airport, he wasted no time in pulling his case from the closet and piling his clothes haphazardly into it.

His hands were shaking when he started dressing, it took him three goes to get his pants on properly but he persevered, rewarding himself with another cigarette when he was finally dressed. His hands were still shaking and his mind was on red alert, he would have to call his boss on the way to the airport and ask his neighbour to keep an eye on the house in his absence. He made his way downstairs with his case trailing heavily behind him as he entered the kitchen, thinking vaguely about the note for Mrs. Mackenzie next door and grabbed the note pad, only to find that it already had a scrawled message attached. Ten numbers and a cheekily written, 'Had a great night, call me. James x'. He frowned at it in confusion for a second before he remembered the cologne on his spare pillow, the weight of the man as he pushed him against the wall of the seedy club, rough hands and rougher lips. Castiel tore the sheet free and balled it in his fist, furious at himself for his weakness. He couldn't think about it, couldn't process the concept that while he was laying himself out like a cheap whore his best friend had been- She had needed him and he wasn't there, nothing would ever be right again. His head throbbed again as he scribbled out the note to Mrs. Mackenzie and strode to the door, grabbing his case on the way and locking himself out without a backwards look.

**********

The trip to the airport took longer than he expected, the traffic so heavy that he made it to the terminal just in time to check in and race to the gate. It was only when he had finally boarded the plane that he realised he hadn't showered or brushed his teeth and had forgotten to call his boss, not that he could rectify any of these mistakes now the fasten seatbelts sign was flashing and the steward was giving his safety instructions at the front of the small cabin. Castiel took little notice of the demonstration, his head felt oddly devoid of thoughts as if his mother's news had ceased all normal thought processes. It was with the unnerving feeling of emptiness that shook him to the core that the plane took off, Castiel let his head fall back and let the feeling of flying lull him to sleep.

His father was waiting at the arrivals gate with the look of a man lost at sea when Cas landed, not that he looked any better himself. He had caught a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom and he looked like shit but couldn't find it in himself to care, what did it matter how he looked now? His father embraced him hard, pulling him into his arms as if he were an anchor of hope in this grim reality. Cas allowed himself to return the hug just as fervently, needing to be close to someone, anyone who might understand his pain. After what felt like an age they moved out into the warm Kansas air and got into the car. His father didn't speak much, only filling the heavy silence to tell him that Sylvia was with Ellen, for which Cas was glad. He made a quick call to his bosses voicemail, explaining that he needed the week off and to call him, he really didn't want to try and explain this to a machine while his father listened to every word.

After eight years of absence the drive to his once-home was jarring, familiarity mixed with the new that made his heart ache at all the time he'd spent avoiding his home town. He stared out of the window silently assessing the differences that made his head hurt. When they pulled up to the house it was with a dread feeling he left the car, wishing he could just curl up in his old bed and lock the world away. He couldn't though, he had to shower, finally brush his teeth, see Ellen. His stomach dropped at the thought.

Father helped with his cases mumbling about making himself at home, the thought was almost laughable. Cas pulled out a change of clothes and showered quickly, the water doing nothing to ease the tension in his body, he didn't think he could face them, all of them, the ones he had left behind. He ran through his thought process with a sick feeling, how could he possibly be this selfish? Here he stood, actually worrying about himself when Ellen and his mother were four miles down the road and needed him. Disgusted he pulled on fresh clothes and hurried back downstairs, his father was waiting for him in the living room, staring at the blank television screen.

"Dad? I think I'm gonna go see mom…" He started carefully, his father looked at him, expression vacant and told him the car keys were on the hook. Cas nodded and headed to the door, pulling the keys for his old pick up with him. He knew his mother had been using it in his absence so didn't worry about it having fallen into disrepair, "I'll be back soon pops." He said softly, closing the door behind him.

***********

The drive over was uneventful, but when he pulled up to the empty parking lot in front of The Roadhouse his stomach seized hard and he found himself falling out of the truck and retching pitifully, the sight of the once welcoming bar that he and Jo had spent so much time in making the reality of the situation hit him full force. His head swam while he tried to get his stomach under control, his chest was tight and he fought for breath, he couldn't walk in there, he couldn't face this. It took him five minutes of controlled breathing to pull himself round, shaking himself free of his pathetic pity party and straightening. He took a step toward the bar door, head high and face rigidly set into grim lines.

It hadn't changed, not one iota. Not that Cas had expected it to have, but walking into the bar was like immersing himself in memories of pool games and stolen beers, of Ash falling asleep on barstools and sliding to the floor without waking, of Jo hurling people out of the doors for being rowdy, of he and Ellen having heart to heart while Jo played REO Speedwagon on a loop, of lost time and forgotten moments. Lazy saturdays sprung to mind, movie marathons and nights wrapped up with her, snuggling against the cold and falling asleep on her bed together. Never again. He couldn't comprehend it.

His mother was behind the bar, serving beer on the house to the solitary patrons, it was still, no music or inane chatter filling the air and the sound of the door swinging closed behind him jarred his senses. Everyone looked up, no one made a sound, Ellen's stool screeched on the hardwood floor as she got to her feet and moved to him as if in a dream. Her face crumpled as she fell onto his chest and she sobbed, clinging to him for dear life, "Cas-" it was drawn out with pain. He ran his hands through her hair, only slightly surprised at the tears that were wetting it as his chest shuddered. "I'm here Ellen, I've got you-" he voice broke and he had no more words. His eyes searched the bar blindly, not seeing the inhabitants, only searching for one person. When he met her tear streaked face he broke. There was no other word that could describe it, his heart was lurching painfully against his rib cage as if protesting.

Ellens fingers clutched at him, holding close the nearest thing she had to her daughter. Breathing him in and feeling the emotion wracked shaking that mirrored her own. His strong hands grasped hers in a tight grip and his kissed each digit carefully, a practiced move that screamed of home to him. In eight years in Atlanta he hadn't forged any relationships that compared with the ones he had abandoned in Lawrence, he was home and the sudden gravity of the knowledge threw him. He was home. His mothers hands joined Ellens in his own and her forehead leaned against his, lending more strength in that moment than he could have ever imagined. His mother led them gently back to the bar, settling them gently into a pair of stools and resuming her place at the pump and patting his hand gently while he cradled Ellen.


	2. Thank You For The Venom

A/N: Here comes chapter 2 folks! Hope you all enjoy, any thoughts just drop me a pm :)

Chapter 2

Castiels waking brain took at least a minute to recognise his surroundings, Jo's bedroom hadn't changed since she moved out and the bedsheets didn't retain any of her familiar scent like they used to. He couldn't blame himself for not wanting to remove himself, he felt safe and loved by just burrowing under the covers and ignoring the outside world. He half expected Jo to walk in, flopping on top of him unceremoniously and demand he get out of her pit before she set her mother on him before ruffling his dark hair. Instead the door creaked open gently and he saw the peak of a trucker cap and a grizzled beard before he was dragged from the bed with rough hands.

"What in hells name you doin' boy?" Castiel found himself pinned to the open door, Bobby Singers face inches from his own and contorted with rage, "How dare you- Get out. OUT!" He pushed Castiel against the door again making his head rebound painfully off the wood. Old habits die hard Cas thought wryly.

"Bobby you let that boy loose this instant!" Ellen's voice cracked between the two men harshly making Bobby wince visibly before he lowered Castiel, letting him slide down the door and gain his feet. "Cas, you can sleep anywhere you choose son." She added with an annoyed look at Bobby who nodded dully and followed her out into the bar. Castiel joined them after taking another look around Jo's room, soaking up what little warmth he could from the inanimate objects.

Ash was asleep on the pool table again. Not surprising really since he practically lived here, what was surprising was that there were another five people in the room. His mother was behind the bar fixing plates with bacon and eggs, Ellen and Bobby were at the bar talking in hushed voices and there were two bodies occupying one of the booths. They were lying head to head, boots dangling from either end of the seat. Castiel couldn't remember much of last night, after the whiskey had started flowing the weight of alcohol fuelled grief had propelled him easily into this mornings hangover. He made his way over to the pool table and eased himself up to sit by Ash's feet, giving him a hard shove for good measure. Ash's head flew up wildly, Castiel only then noticed he was still holding a bottle of half full tequila in his hand, the hand that shot out at his head. Castiel caught the bottle easily and pulled it away from Ash, taking a long neat pull from it and grumbling. "If there's anyone else who wants to assault me this morning, nows the time folks."

"Don't fucking tempt me Novak." The hoarse voice emerged from one of the bodies in the booth, Ash guffawed at the comment and reclaimed his bottle.

"Yeah Cas! If you keep asking for it, you're gonna get it!" Ash passed the bottle back with a wistful shake of his head and Cas took another drink, frowning deeply.

"Leave me be Dr. Badass, I had shit to do." The comment elicited a loud snort of derision from the booth and he suddenly knew exactly who was in there, he saw red and snarled "Fuck you Winchester."

"Castiel Novak I taught you better than that!" His mother placed two plates on the booths table and scowled at him, "Breakfast, get to it." she gave the bottle in his grasp a sour look and he placed it on the pool table carefully. Ash hopped down and moved towards the booth, looking at the bodies and choosing to push a pair of particularly long legs off the seat causing a groan and a curse, followed by a ruffled looking Sam Winchester emerging from under the table. Sylvia returned with the other two plates, placing them down with a stern look at the other boy who was still lying under the table. "You boys be nice to eachother, me and Bobby are taking Ellen to sort a few things out." She gave Cas a bone crushing hug, "Eat, we'll be back soon."

Cas took a seat beside the newly emerged Winchester. Dean looked the same as ever, green eyes and sandy hair complementing his freckled features perfectly. They watched his mother and Ellen heading out of the bar with Bobby, they looked grim. The moment the door closed Ash darted back to the pool table and collected the tequila, Cas pushed his breakfast away, stomach protesting the food and pulled out a cigarette, offering the box to the table. The rest of his companions seemed to agree that breakfast was overrated and passed the tequila bottle between them instead, when it was offered to Cas he shrugged and took it, why break his streak now?

"So Cas, how's work? Your mom said you were working for some law firm?" Sam asked the question hesitantly, hazel eyes darting between his brother and Cas as if asking permission.

"Yeah, it's great thanks Sam." Cas fixed his gaze on the younger Winchester with a small smile, he'd always liked Sam. He was a sweet kid, although Cas would have to rethink his definition judging by the growth spurt that had stretched the kids body, "Its just a small firm but the guys I work with are great."

"Oh the guys huh? Sounds about right for you Novak." it was muttered so quietly that neither Sam, who was telling Cas all about his first year at KU and Ash who was smiling and taking another swig of tequila wouldn't hear it. Cas stiffened, shooting a furious look at the guy beside him. Dean was smirking.

"Blow me, Dean." Cas replied in a low voice, he took a drag from his cigarette, trying to keep one eye on Dean while still listening to Sam, he was rewarded with a furious glare from the elder Winchester.

"Yeah, so we're on the quad and there was a bunch of those jock douches trying to make Garth join them…" Sam continued with a grin.

"You fucking wish I would Novak."

"So Garth agrees but only if he gets to choose the game…"

"Well you do have cocksucking lips Dean." Cas smirked.

"Garth just pulls out a hackey sack and starts going crazy with that shit! You should have seen it Cas, Jess couldn't breathe at the look on their faces!"

"Fuck yourself Novak." Dean was staring directly at him now, rage etched into every line of his face. It came out a little louder than intended, Cas guessed. Sam and Ash froze looking between the two with shocked expressions.

"Why don't you do it since you're so interested Winchester?" He didn't bother keeping his voice down, he stubbed his smoke out violently and balled his fists on the table.

"What did you just say to me?"

"Cas don't-" Sam pleaded just as Cas replied, "You wanna have a go Dean? I don't usually do idiotic jock assholes but I could make an exception-" He was cut off by the flying mass of Winchester that launched at him with a snarl. They tumbled from the booth together, Cas hitting the floor first and rolling away before Dean could find his feet. When Cas turned back to Dean it was to find him pulling himself up, he was breathing like he'd just run a marathon and glaring at Cas. For a moment they just looked at eachother, then as if some silent starters pistol had gone off, Cas launched himself at Dean. He managed to land a perfect right hook before Dean took his legs from under him, Cas grabbed one of his wrists, twisting it painfully and dragged Dean down with him. When Cas managed to get an arm around his adversaries neck he grunted happily. "If you wanted me on my back, you only had to ask." The reaction was instantaneous, Dean went fucking nuts, clawing and kicking trying to get Cas' arm from his neck all finesse disappearing behind his fury. Cas was enjoying himself a bit too much, listening to Dean cursing at him legs and arms trying to find purchase to throw him off. He finally relented when Sam pried his arms loose, he allowed it only because Ash was stood next to him with a look of horror.

"Jesus man, when'd you learn to do that?" Ash actually sounded scared.

"College." Cas grunted, his ribs were aching.

"Well you did ask if anyone else was gonna assault you! Everyone got that out of their system or do you want a go too Sam? Dayum!" he went to the bar dropping a crumpled twenty on it and claiming a bottle of whiskey. "How're you doing bigshot?"

"Fuck you Ash."

"Dean shut the fuck up." Sam was glaring at his big brother, who was polishing off the dregs of the tequila, "Apologise to Cas."

"Me? What about him?" Dean gestured at Cas with annoyance.

"I'm going out on a limb and betting you started it." Sam said exasperatedly.

"Yeah well after eight years what else did you expect?"

"A little self restraint?"

"Self restraint?" Dean repeated dangerously, his voice barely a whisper. "He ditched us, he ditched Jo, Sam. And now he's sat in the bar eight years later, drinking our booze as if nothing's happened- as if Jo isn't-" His eyes were glittering with emotion.

"Actually you're drinking Cas' booze there buddy." Ash stated, chuckling awkwardly.

"You think I wanted this Dean?" Cas' voice shook, he was getting close to jumping Dean and finishing what they'd started. How dare Dean fucking Winchester judge him, "You think I wanted to leave? To leave my friends, my family? You asshole!"

"Didn't seem to bother you at the time" Dean spat viciously.

"You of all people know I didn't want-" Cas' mouth snapped shut, knowing there was no merit in going down that path. Dean's eyes widened. Suddenly the fight left him, he knew where Cas was going with this and he wished he hadn't started it. Cas was drawing too close to something he'd buried a long time ago… "If it weren't for Ellen and Mom I wouldn't be here you fuck."

The tension that followed his outburst made Castiels skin crawl, he could feel it against his skin and it set his teeth on edge, but he refused to avert his gaze from Deans face. He could see all of the unsaid words battling behind Deans poker face, Cas knew him to well not to see through it. This moment was so familiar, so close to bittersweet memories, the force of Deans gaze made a hundred repressed thoughts surface. He hadn't realised that he was frozen until he started to move, once more towards Dean, unthinking.

"ENOUGH." The voice that rang through the bar meant business, they had been so wrapped up in their own drama they hadn't heard the door. The man standing there was shorter than the group, sandy hair dishevelled and his golden eyes were dull. Gabriel took in the scene in front of him tiredly, then marched up to Cas who flinched, expecting another attack but Gabriel pulled him into a tight embrace, "I missed you man, we all did. Jo- she missed you every day-" His voice broke.

"Gabe, I'm so sorry, I should have been here. I missed you guys so much. I was just too chicken shit to come back. I-" he shook his head, avoiding the desperate looks Dean was shooting him and embracing Gabe again. "I'm sorry Gabe, she was the best friend I ever had."

"I know, she was beautiful." Gabriel's mouth worked, lips moving but making no noise he took a shuddering breath. "She was the best thing that ever happened to me."

"I need another drink," Sam was watching the exchange shakily, Dean had buried his head in his hands and Ash had collapsed back into the booth sniffing loudly. "Cas you want a drink?" Cas nodded, not taking his eyes from Gabriel.

"Yeah get some glasses Sammy." Dean said from beneath his palms, to his credit Sam didn't correct him, heading to the bar and grabbing five glasses. Ash filled them in silence, watching Sam as he raised his glass and said, "To Jo."

"To Jo." the boys replied solemnly. The table was silent for a moment, each lost to their own thoughts of Jo when Gabe snorted loudly. "Sorry." He mumbled, but he was smiling. The looks on the faces regarding him seemed to amuse him even more and he actually started laughing.

"What the fuck is so funny Gabe?" Ash's eyes were narrowed dangerously.

"Sorry- its just if she saw us right now, she laugh her ass off at us being so fucking emo! And if she'd walked in on that!" he was gasping for breath now, "If she'd walked in on you two screaming across the bar at each other- She'd have dragged the pair of you out by your ears and locked you in a room, promising never to let you out until it was fixed." Sam and Ash had joined him now, laughing softly and suggesting other punishments she might have dished out. Cas smiled lightly, it was all too easy to imagine that terrifying blonde easily besting two grown men. He chanced a glance at Dean to see if he was joining in and enjoying their reminiscing but Dean was staring at his empty glass, lost in thought.

"This can't happen again guys," this was directed at Cas and Dean exclusively, Gabriel suddenly serious. "I can't have you guys doing this in front of Ellen, I can't have this when I bury my girlfriend." Dean bowed his head against the order, uncharacteristically submitting to Gabriels will, Cas nodded looking thoroughly ashamed of himself. "Or maybe I'll just find a nice confined space for the two of you." he chucked wryly.

"Not a bad idea," Sam agreed, "Right, I saw we clear this place up then continue where we left off with Ash's friend Mr Beam."

He pulled a couple of the plates from the table without another word and hurried to the kitchen, Ash joined him and Gabriel took over the empties telling the remaining two to start rectifying the mess they'd made during their scuffle. Dean started righting chairs, Cas dealt with moving the furniture they'd scattered back in place. A couple of times he thought he heard Dean start to speak, but he left it not wanting to start another row. Gabe was right, they couldn't let their history get in the way. Cas steeled himself, needing to clear the air enough to get through this week.

"Dean, we can't do this now." It was all he could manage.

"I know. I just don't know how to handle all this." His sweeping gesture encompassed both Cas and the bar, "We need to talk."

"Not yet. We can go twenty rounds if you want, but wait until after…" He couldn't say the words.

"Yeah- Yeah, okay."

When Ash returned with his bottle, Cas had never needed less convincing to drown his sorrows.


	3. Map of the Problematique

So this is our first foray into the gangs past, I hope you all enjoy :) There are mentions of underage drinking and sex, and a small amount of bullying ahead, fair warning folks!

Ten years ago

Castiel had been awake for hours, staring at the ceiling and trying to will his thumping head to clear so he could organise his thoughts. Jo's blonde head was resting on his chest, an arm thrown over his stomach like always, the only difference from every other weekend was the empty bottle of Jim Beam and the distinct lack of clothing. He couldn't think properly, his hangover was pounding all the rational thoughts away and the smell of Jo's coconut shampoo was muddling his senses. Maybe they could just forget about it, act like it never happened and continue as normal. No, Jo would never go along with that. They'd just have to face the music, surely it wouldn't be that bad? Who was he kidding, if he made it through the day with all of his limbs intact he'd be lucky. Jo stirred sleepily on his chest, nuzzling against him before she peeked up at him through her eyelashes. "Morning sleepy head," he gave her a small smile, maybe they could just let it go.

"Morning." she stretched lazily, Cas could feel every inch of her hot skin pressed against his. When she looked back up at him she had a guarded expression, "How're you doing Cas?"

"I'm okay, my head hurts though and I'm kinda worried about your mom dismembering us for filching the bottle."

"Yeah, we may as well start saying our prayers." she sat up, sheets falling and revealing her bare chest. In typical Jo fashion she payed her nudity no mind and leaned against the headboard heavily. "I know what you're thinking you know. You think we should pretend it didn't happen and sweep it under the rug."

"Well we-" Cas was silenced with a look.

"No Cas, we didn't do anything wrong. Its fine. Maybe our motivation was slightly skewed, but we were just having a little fun right?"

"I believe the reasoning behind it last night was that we were just helping eachother out." His voice was steadier than he imagined it would be.

"Exactly! Nothing to be ashamed of." She smiled shyly, "I don't regret it, Cas. It was fun."

"Yeah, I it was… I was just worried it would change us. That you'd be mad at me"

"Don't you dare! I was the one who suggested it!" Jo had a dangerous look in her eye.

"You were wasted!"

"We were wasted, Novak! We decided it was a great idea. Plus I got to be the first person you slept with." This last was said with a bright smile, "And vice versa, naturally. Obviously I'll have to go and write a heartfelt diary entry about how magical our first time was, decorate it with little hearts and show it to all my girlfriends..."

"Joanna-Beth I'm not adverse to kicking your butt!"

"Nah you know you can't damage these goods" she grinned "Come on I think I can smell breakfast, Mom'll be beating down the door any second. Might as well face the music."

Cas was in trouble, big trouble. The kind that gets your ass kicked seven ways from sunday trouble. He still didn't quite understand what had happened. He and Jo were fine, still hanging out, spending nights, being BFF's and occasionally being more than that when the mood struck or correct amount of alcohol was applied, and after three months they were getting rather good at the more than friends parts. That wasn't what was bothering him. Dean fucking Winchester was the culprit.

Dean was the king of campus, every girls dream and every guys best friend. Unless you were Castiel Novak. Dean went out of his way to make Cas' high school career hell for no better reason than he could, tripping him in hallways, calling him a fag, swirlies and kicking the crap out of him. Dean Winchester was the bane of his existence. Jo had tried to reason with him, being his cousin she'd irrationally thought she might be able to call him off and even used their shared family connection as a tool but it was to no avail. Today had been pretty tame by his usual standards.

Cas had been sat on the bleachers eating his lunch and trying to work on his history essay while getting a little sun, chilling out and hoping Jo would turn up so he'd have a good reason not to work. When a shadow fell on him he'd turned with a smile, expecting his partner in crime but getting Dean Winchester and his cronies instead.

"Hey look, we found ourselves a faggot."

"Fuck off Dean." He turned back to his history paper, hoping and not believing that they might disappear if he ignored them.

"Aw what's got Novaks panties in a twist today huh? Ran out of dicks to suck?" The cronies laughed as if on cue.

"Go away." The cronies laughed louder and Dean chuckled.

"Maybe you just need to get laid. Can't find anyone willing to fuck you huh Cas?" The crowd around them were hysterical now. "Maybe you just can't find anyone who's interested, Maybe you're not hung right…"

"Jo doesn't seem to mind." It slipped out so quickly Cas wondered for a second why Dean had suddenly gone very still. Shit.

"What did you say?" The cronies were silent.

"What you need it spelled out for you?" Dean was in his personal space now, face rigid. This was a bad idea, a very, very bad idea.

"You're lying, Novak." Well in for a penny…

"I said I'm fucking your cousin." A simple statement of fact and a victory over Dean for the first time ever. Could have been a winning situation were it not for Jo's blonde head emerging from the crowd in time for her to go a furious shade of magenta, Ash stood beside her looking like he'd just been struck in the face with something heavy.

"CAS!" Jo's voice crackled with anger and he flinched visibly.

"Jo, what the fuck?" Dean was staring at her in disbelief.

"Cas, get your ass over here now or-" He got to his feet, gathering his lunch and books and hoping for a quick exit.

"Jo? You have to be kidding me. This guy?"

"Leave me alone Dean." Jo hadn't taken her eyes off Cas, he could feel the fury behind them like a laser burning his skin.

"You're seriously dating Novak?" The cronies had frozen, watching the action with bated breath.

"No one said we were dating Dean."

"You're- He's-" Dean was incoherent for a full minute, "You're fuck buddies?" Cas could almost hear his brain short circuiting. Jo only turned on her heel and strode off pulling Cas along in her wake. The moment they were at a safe distance from prying eyes she rounded on him.

"What the fuck was that?"

"Jo I didn't mean to, it just… slipped out…" It was a crappy start to this conversation, but at least it was the truth.

"Fucks sake Cas, you realise what gonna happen next right? He'll tell John who'll mention it to Bobby, who'll flip his lid and tell Mom and his little sycophants are gonna tell anyone who'll listen. Whole town is gonna be on us. Fuck." she ran a hand through her hair distractedly, "We're never gonna get out from under this one."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't think- He just winds me up and I said the first thing that popped into my head to shut him up." He pulled Jo into a hug, "I'm sorry, I've ruined everything."

Dean's heavy footfalls announced his approach, he pulled up short when he saw Cas and Jo's embrace, "Get your fucking hands off my cousin, Novak." It was forced through gritted teeth.

"Go away, Dean." Jo's voice was resigned, hopeless. "Surely you've done enough damage today."

"Not until that prick agrees to never see you again." Cas had never seen Dean so angry, his fists were clenched hard and his face was contorted with rage, "I'm gonna fucking kill you Novak."

"You lay a finger on him and I'll break your nose." It was issued with the utmost calm on her part, but Cas knew as well as Dean that this was when she was most dangerous, "Do you think just once you can listen to me Dean? Cas is my best friend, he's funny and annoying and I want him to be in my life. You on the other hand are my cousin, my pig headed, bullying asshole excuse for a relation. For as long as I've known him, you've made his life hell, but what you can't seem to get through your thick skull is that I choose to keep him around, whereas I'm forced to keep your company. If it weren't for my Mom making us hang out I'd never see you. You think you're allowed a say in this?" She gestured between herself and Cas with a sickly sweet smile on her face, "You aren't the boss of me Dean, and you're not going to stop me from hanging out with Cas. You aren't going to make his life hell anymore either."

The look of hurt that had been clouding Dean's features was shaken off and replaced with his trademark haughty exterior, "Oh yeah, and why's that then?"

"Because your little friends will be mobilising right now, telling every person they get their hands on what just happened and spreading their little tale around campus," she snorted inelegantly, "Your cronies are about to make your cousin the biggest slut in the school, and if it weren't for your ridiculous obsession with bullying Cas it would never have happened!"

"I can stop them! I can make them keep their mouths shut." Dean looked panicked now, "I would never have done this to you Jo, you're my favorite cousin…"

"I'm your only cousin jackass." Cas laughed at that, drawing the pairs attention back to him. "Its too late anyway, half the school will know before last bell rings. And it's not me you should be apologising to." Jo added looking freshly annoyed.

When Dean opened his mouth, Cas held a hand up to silence him, "Don't bother. I'm not interested in any half-assed attempt at an apology. Just stay the hell away from me." he turned his back and walked a few paces, leaving the conversation for good. He had enough to worry about right now without playing nice with Dean Winchester, even if it was for Jo's sake. He didn't hear the rest of their conversation, but it was less than a minute before Jo joined him.

"He might have actually apologised you know."

"Not a chance, he'll be back to tripping me down hallways by next week."

"I know… They won't let us hang out now, they'll stop us." she was getting upset now. "Mom will be a tempest in a teacup but Bobby will never forgive this…"

"Maybe if we tried to explain…" Cas knew it was futile, but if it saved Jo even a bit of grief it would be worth it.

That was how Cas found himself sat awkwardly perched on the edge of the Harvelle-Singer couch trying desperately not to catch Bobby's eye. His heart was hammering in his chest and his sweaty palms were gripping his knees hard enough to bruise. Jo took the lead, telling her mother and step father that she and Cas were 'seeing' each other, which didn't fly. "I know what 'seeing' someone means Joanna-Beth, and this ain't that! I would have spotted it a mile away if you two had gotten dizzy on each other, so what's this really…" a look of dawning comprehension sparked in her eyes, "No. Joanna-Beth you haven't-"

"We were just having a bit of-"

"If you say fun I'll murder you myself." Bobby's face was turning an alarming purple, "What the hell were you thinking?"

"We were drunk."

"Well I didn't think you'd do something this stupid sober! Right under my nose too, I should have known there was something going on, it's been far too peaceful round here" Ellen narrowed her eyes suddenly, "Nothing else to report?"  
"I'm sorry?" Cas couldn't fathom her thought process.

"I doubt you two just decided it was time for a heart to heart." Uh-oh.

"Dean found out." Jo volunteered, Bobby winced heavily.

"And how did everyones favorite meat head come across this information?" Ellen sounded tired. The silence that filled the little room was deafening. Bobby was looking between them with a calculating look, Ellen was watching Jo like a hawk and Jo was giving Cas a begging look. He steeled himself.

"I told him."

It took a few seconds for the statement to sink in, "You told him? You told Dean 'Cant-keep-my-big-mouth-shut' Winchester?" Cas found himself with a face full of angry mechanic, "You, out NOW!" He grabbed the front of Cas' t-shirt and dragged him to the door, Cas could hear Ellen tearing Jo a new one as Bobby launched him out of the roadhouse. "You're not welcome here boy, remember that if you know what's good for you." The statement was punctuated with the hard slamming of the door.

"Didn't think you had it in you Novak!"

"Way to go man!"

"Seriously, how low were her standards?"

The comments had followed him for two weeks, people either congratulating him on his conquest or giving him hell on Jo's behalf, people he'd never even seen in his three years of high school suddenly had opinions on his life that they'd announce in faux whispers in the hallways. That wasn't the worst of it, the worst thing was how Jo was by his side, taking the whisperers and gossipers on head to head, he'd tried to explain that she was making it worse by hanging out with him, but she refused to leave, arguing that school was only a tiny part of their lives and everyone would forget about it soon enough. Ellen had finally calmed down enough to call Cas' parents and explain that while she agreed they had been particularly stupid, they were just acting their age. Bobby still wanted his scalp made into an attractive wall hanging and his mom didn't want Jo's bad influence in her home, so that left them with hanging out at school, which fed fuel to the gossips flames.

Cas wasn't handling his sudden fame very well, he was used to being so ignored that he passed practically unnoticed through the corridors and the sudden pressure of the entire student bodies attention was throwing him off in class, his grades were slowly descending and his teachers were worried about him. Cas barely noticed, he was so caught up in worrying about how Jo was handling it, she held her head high and challenged anyone who dared go face to face with her but he could tell her patience was wearing thin, there was an edge to her voice and her shoulders were holding more tension than he'd ever seen. That hadn't really talked about it much, but there was a new distance between them that had never existed before.

The fallout area was wider than Castiel had imagined, not just affecting himself and Jo, but Ash was now refusing to hang out with him, falling into Dean's company. Cas taken aback by this turn of events, one of his and Ash's favorite hobbies had been to make fun of Dean and his entourage. Ash had always scorned their brawn over brains mentality and the way they treated Cas didn't help his opinion either, yet there he was firmly by Deans side in the lunchroom. Whenever he saw them together he felt a little sick, Ash would breeze past without a second glance and his stomach would drop sickeningly every time. Even Dean was acting differently towards him, normally he'd have had a barrage of insults thrown at him as they passed, instead Dean was quiet, looking pensive. Cas caught him looking at him oddly a couple of times.

Whatever the hell had gotten into Dean could wait, he was more concerned with Ash and Jo. He had caught them having a tense conversation in the library, voices hushed and equally angry looks on their faces. The minute Ash caught sight of him he froze, throwing a dirty look at Cas before darting out of the room.

"What the hell is his problem?"

"Nothing Cas, its fine." Jo wouldn't look at him. Whoever said change was good was an idiot.

R+R makes my world go around!


	4. Kill All Your Friends

AN: Been having formatting issues with former chapters losing formatting, hopefully this one has retained the page breaks :/ This chapter is a little short, it was a bitch to write too. I'll speed an update to you all as a reward for sticking with me and my little fic :)

Chapter 4

When Castiel made it home that evening it was to find the house empty, he knew his parents were home, his fathers silver sedan was parked in the driveway and the lights were on downstairs. He shrugged his jacket off, throwing it over the back of the sofa and heading to the kitchen snagging a beer from the fridge and taking a long drink from the bottle before going in search of his parents. They were on the deck out back, curled together on the loveseat with their hands clasped and his mother's head resting on his father's shoulder, it was such a peaceful moment he took a second to commit the scene to memory. When he shouldered through the screen door they looked up, his mother has a watery smile on her face.

"Castiel, you're home." The relief in her voice was obvious, he smiled tightly as he settled against the wooden guardrail, "How're the boys? How is Gabriel…" her voice failed, as if finishing the question was beyond her.

"Not good, but I don't think any of us are coping too well…" he shook his head, eyes fixed on the bottle he was slowly turning in his hands. Today had been… difficult. Ellen and Bobby had returned not long after the boys had settled back down with their bottle, sliding silently into the booth and joining them in a drink. The conversation had been forcibly light, skirting the glaring issue as though steered with a steady hand, Ellen had calmly informed them of the arrangements that had been made, times and dates. Gabriel had excused himself from the table with pinched features and Sam following closely when she had told them they were to be the pallbearers, Ellen took her leave, exhausted and Bobby fixed Castiel and Dean with his customary hard look and told them that they'd be on their best behavior. "It's all a bit much, thinking logically about burying her- I don't know how Ellen and Bobby are doing it." His throat felt raw just saying the words.

"Ellen is a strong soul honey, she dragged that girl up on her own with no help. When Bill passed she was a mess, couldn't hold herself together through the loss, but Jo kept her sane. Losing Jo, I don't think she's going to allow herself to fall into a hole again, Jo wouldn't have wanted it." His mother's voice was soft, not wanting to inflict more pain, but it didn't mean that the truth of it didn't hurt. When he and Jo were growing up Ellen had seemed like a tyrannical mother from a fairy tale, he'd had a decent amount of fear of the woman, but years in her presence had conditioned him to the truth that she's was a fiercely proud and protective mother who wanted nothing but the best for her daughter. His past indiscretions had put him on the wrong side of her temper more than once.

"I'd be more worried about Bobby than Ellen, he loved that girl like his own from the second he met her." His father added, his faded blue eyes staring down the garden and into memories that Castiel couldn't fathom. He chuckled suddenly, "Do you remember when he turned up here with a shotgun looking for Jo? I damn near lost a foot trying to wrestle the thing from him!"

"And she wasn't even here! I swear that girl had the morals of an alley cat back then!" His mother hooted behind a palm, "Never could pin her down though, I guess thats why she and Gabriel worked so well…" The mention of her nephew wiped the smile from her face. He had refused to come home when Cas asked him, choosing to stay with Ellen and Bobby for the night. Cas couldn't blame him, this conversation was hitting pretty close to the bone for him already and with Gabriel there his mother would have been beside herself.

"He's with Ellen and Bobby tonight, I think they need each other right now Mom." He finished his beer with a grimace, the flat taste curling his tongue, "I'm gonna go up now, just wanted to check in."

"Goodnight son, get a good nights rest." His father gave him a small nod and tightened his arm around his wife, a gesture of comfort and of restriction, stopping her from following their sons heavy steps.

Thursday came rolling around far faster than Castiel could have believed, he found himself stood between Ash and his parents, squinting against the midday sun in the Oak Hill cemetery.

He'd had a minor panic attack in his old bedroom, he didn't want to leave his room, he didn't want to follow the same old route to the cemetery he'd visited so often with Gabriel in their teens, sometimes drunk and laughing but mainly drunk and angry. He'd wished he could have had a drink to steel his nerves, but settled for pawing at his suit jacket and extracting his soft pack. He'd cracked the window as far as it would reach and leaned out, lighting the blessed cigarette as he went, not caring that his mother would have kittens. He needed it. The soothing nicotine filled his lungs, and he felt like a solid weight was exhaled along with the stream of coiling smoke. There was a nervous, jittery feeling buzzing through him that made his hands shake against his lips and his legs feel like jelly under him.

A jolt of nostalgia hit him like a freight train when the sleek lines of a '67 Chevvy Impala pulled up to the curb smoothly, the purr of the engine sending a tremor through his spine. Too familiar, too much like old times, too much like Jo was going to lean out of the window with a grin and wave him down, not wanting to be noticed by his parents. Instead Sam folded himself out of the passenger seat, he caught sight of Cas in the window and he froze, the same mix of deja vu crossing his face. Cas hadn't remembered this, he hadn't remembered a lot of things. Eight long year's had crystallized his memories into a compact six weeks of anger before he left and he'd brushed aside any good memories attached to the Winchester brothers and Chevrolet Impala's, so many little victories and baby steps all with the smell of motor oil and leather. He gave Sam a nod, shaking himself and the tall man out of their reverie and threw his smoke, hoping to hit the sidewalk and failing. Sam was leaning against the passenger side door, expression grim, when Cas joined him he gave a quirk of his mouth that was probably meant as a welcome but looked more like a grimace, "Its so weird being back here, Cas."

"I'm pretty sure I know the feeling," he agreed, voice shaky "Eight years is a long time, Sam" he reached for the door handle and watched as Ash scooted across the bench seat next to Gabriel to make room for him. It was like listening to your favorite song, knowing every word and riff only to find that the band are throwing out flat notes, discordant and jarring. His nerves were shot. The Impala kicked into gear the second Sam closed his door, silence replacing the usual sounds of Metallica and the boys banter. The drive to The Roadhouse was over too soon.

They were met with the sight of three hearse pulled neatly up in the lot, Bobby was speaking in muted tones with a guy who could only be the funeral director, impeccable black suit and tie with slicked back hair and cheekbones high enough on his thin face to cut glass. "So glad you could join us gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to get in the last car then we can be on our way." his voice was surprisingly soft, with an accent so vague that Cas couldn't place it. They took their seats in silence once more, it was almost like someone had hit the mute button and it had stuck, he could feel Sam fidgeting with his hair beside him. Cas could feel the dry Kansas heat attempting to stick his dark suit to his body like a second skin, he tried to distract himself by watching the world flash by out of the window.

And now here he was, bearing witness to his best friends passing and laying her to rest alongside family, friends and forgotten faces. It looked like half of Lawrence had turned out for Jo, he hadn't expected it to be honest, but he was glad to know so many people would miss her. It felt almost like sharing the load.

The ceremony was dull, boxy. Words spoken by a man who had never met the deceased and had little knowledge of her. He didn't know how she would double over laughing at even the lamest jokes, or how her arms could constrict even the sturdiest person in a hug. How when she got annoyed her cheeks would tinge with pink, and when she was angry… well, an angry Jo could put you in a diabetic coma with the sweet venom dripping from her tongue. Suddenly Cas felt like laughing, what the hell did this guy know anyway? He knew nothing about how Cas had once spent a very drunken night watching some classic movie with Jo, Gabe, Ash and Dean, trying to work out the convoluted plot and laughing like idiots at the premise. He couldn't for the life of him remember what the movie was, but he remembered what followed. As if on cue Dean's eyes found his, green and dancing with the small smirk that played on his lips. Cas could see every emotion Dean was concealing, regret, shame and the loss that made his eyes look slightly watery. When the coffin was lowered and the first chords of Bon Jovi's 'Wanted, Dead or Alive' washed over them, he allowed himself a chuckle. Typical Jo.

As the mourners filtered away he stuck close to Gabriel, hoping to reassure, to keep him calm as virtual strangers paid their respects and gave him condolences. When asked, Cas would volunteer his name and relation to Gabriel and Jo, some people just nodded but others brightened visibly, welcoming him home and reminding him of such-and-such class they took together in freshman year. Cas would smile politely and agree to seek these people out at The Roadhouse later, with little intention of following through with their requests. He couldn't really imagine seeking out these people, holding awkward conversations and handing out information about his life, not today anyway.

The crowd cleared slowly all moving on to The Roadhouse where the liquor would flow free for the rest of the day. Gabriel took hold of his elbow and steered him away from the graveside further into the cemetery, he knew where they were going of course, and wasn't surprised when they came to a halt in front of the two graves, matching headstones clean and waiting for them like sentinels. They'd done this so many times in their youth if felt completely natural to slip onto the grass and hug his knees, "Hi Aunt Anna, Uncle Charles."

"Chuck, for god's sake Cas! You know he hated you calling him that!" Gabe rolled his eyes, joining him on the grass. "Hey Ma and Pa, told you I'd be back before you knew it."

The stones didn't answer them. They just stood as a silent witness as Gabriel filled them in on the days events, when Gabe's voice failed, Cas took over. It took an more than an hour, but Cas sat beside his cousin, arm slung loosely around his shoulder and told his Aunt and Uncle the story of how they buried his best friend.

AN: R+R makes the plot bunnies burrow!


	5. Showdown

A/N: Two updates in one day, you lucky folk you! If you need someone to that then all hail TeamFreeWill12 on AO3 who twisted my arm into a pretzel for ya'll :D

It's also partly because the last chapter got three times more hits than I expected and twice as many reviews, thank you all so much for leaving me completely gobsmacked!

Chapter 5

Nine years ago

Cas had taken up smoking, not to look cool or to join and social niche, it was just a stress relief thing. A way to get away from all of the pointed looks thrown at him, and a way to hide from Jo when she got too much, without Ash as their buffer they spent every second of the school day together. No matter how much you loved that girl, dealing with the crazy all day could get a little tiring. So Cas smoked. The other smokers didn't really deign to notice his existence most of the time, but he didn't particularly care as long as he got a couple of minutes to himself. He managed to procure his little indulgence from a seven eleven across town where the clerk could give less of a fuck who he sold to.

Nine months was long enough for people to stop throwing insults down hallways, but not long enough for the knowing looks to stop. He'd pulled his grades back up and wrestled with a couple of trampy girls who 'just knew they were his type' when turned down flat these girl then started a rumor that he was gay and Jo was in fact Joe. That one had just made him laugh out loud, Jo had laughed too, but only after the girls had emerged from ladies bathrooms with torn clothes and chunks of missing hair. Jo was a bit terrifying.

All in all things were returning to a state resembling normality, even if Ash still wouldn't talk to him. Cas had given up now, he'd tried cornering him after English Lit, when he knew Dean and his eternal entourage wouldn't be around, but Ash had simply barged past him without saying a word. Dean on the other hand had remained true to his word and had stopped singling Cas out for his routine bullying and daily smack talk, as far as Cas could tell he'd stopped picking on the smaller and nerdyer kids entirely. Maybe Jo's little pep talk had done him some good. The strangest thing that had come out of it all was that Dean started actually trying to be nice to him, he'd lent him some notes from Biology when Cas had been out sick for a day, and caught one of his cronies laying in wait for some Cas-bating and tore him a new one. If Jo was a bit terrifying, the Dean Winchester was downright crazy.

* * *

When Summer Break arrived it was meant to be a relief, a break from the craziness of his school life and maybe a new start in senior year. Instead he was pulled out of sleep by his mother at five am, she was wide eyed and shaking. "Honey, we need you to come downstairs. Please." she only called him honey when something bad had happened. He was suddenly very wide awake, "Mom, what's going on?"

"Something happened, I need you to come to talk to Gabriel for me."

"Why is Gabriel on the phone?" He was following her down the stairs, she stopped on the bottom step and turned to him, tears shining in her eyes, "There was an accident, a gas explosion in the Underground system. They wouldn't tell us much. Gabriel was staying at home. Anna and Chuck were on their way into the city and they-"

"Mom?" his hands were shaking.

"We have to book tickets to get Gabriel home, and your father is going to have to call the local authorities to discuss transporting Anna and Chuck home." Her voice was so steady, she took a deep breath that came out in a whooshing noise, "We think that Gabriel would be more comfortable talking to you while we make arrangements."

When he took the phone from his father, he excused himself to his room and promptly lit a cigarette, throwing the window wide. "Did you just light up Cassie?" Gabriel sounded so shocked it made him want to laugh.

"Yeah, bad I know."

"I like it, never thought you'd rebel." He was trying to stick to their usual teasing script, they'd used it for almost two years now, but it wasn't working. "So are the adults busy-busy fixing things downstairs?"

"Yeah, you're coming home Gabe." He inhaled heavily, cigarette dangling from hand loosely, "They're going to sort everything."

"I don't want to come home Cas." His voice shook, Cas could practically feel the impending outburst from the other side of the Atlantic, "I'm happy here, I have a life here. I don't wanna leave. I don't wanna leave them here."

"Don't worry Gabe, Mom and Dad are going to fix it. everything will be okay."

The conversation went on for another half an hour, Gabriel swinging between racking sobs and ridiculous bravado, when his father came to relay the arrangements to his nephew and relieve his son of the phone he paused at the door with a quelling look and said, "Sometime when we're not in the middle of organising burying my sister, we'll be having a conversation about you respecting this house enought to take your habit elsewhere." Cas tried to look contrite.

* * *

Gabriel was a flight risk, it was one of many new character traits Cas noticed about his cousin when he returned to Lawrence along with drinking and staying out all night. Four out of seven days he would disappear and naturally it was Cas' fault, he should be keeping Gabe company and helping him through this difficult time. Cas thought Gabe was just a pain in the ass, at first he'd tried to be supportive and talk to him, but Gabe would brush him off. He tried to give him space and he'd just take off, so he tried to get angry, but Gabe only laughed and shouldered past him.

So Cas did what any sane person would do, and followed him.

He wasn't too surprised when he found Gabe at the graveyard, he still remembered the way even though it had been almost a month since the last time he'd been here. He collapsed on the grass beside his cousin, grabbing the bottle of cheap whiskey sat by Gabes feet.

"You wanna talk about it?" Cas took a sip of the liquor, it was truly disgusting, but it helped.

"God no." Gabriel shook his head fiercely, "we're just gonna sit here for another ten minutes, then we're going to meet my new best buddies."

"Ookay then." Cas wasn't even aware that Gabriel had made any friends, but maybe it was someone from before he moved away. He shrugged, "Whatever you want."

"Good, now gimmie the bottle back, its rude not to share." They passed the bottle between them in silence. When Gabes cell phone chirped he climbed to his feet unsteadily and motioned for Cas to follow. They headed to a thicket of trees that bordered the cemetery moving through it clumsily, before emerging on the other side after a five minute walk. Cas was slightly bewildered by the suddenness of their appearance, the dense trees giving way to the skeletal remains of broken down cars piled right up to the tree line. "Come on." Gabriel ignored his look of confusion and ploughed ahead, choosing a well worn path through the carcasses.

"We thought you'd forgotten about us!"

"Way to keep us waiting dude!"

"Had to have a heart to heart with my cuz before we joined you, hope you don't mind I brought him along." Gabriel greeted the guys who were lounging on the hood of a broken down Cammero, they didn't even sit up, content to just stare at the darkening sky, "He needs the company, bless him."

"Nah it's cool, you bring the booze?"

"Well naturally, can't attend a party without a gift for the host!" Gabriel offered them the already broken in bottle and Cas joined him next to the hood of the car. "This is Cas. Cas this is Dean and Ash, and Deans little bro Samifer."

"Interesting taste in company Gabe." Cas glared at his cousin, who only shrugged and hopped onto the hood next to his hip, "You couldn't have befriended someone with a brain cell?"

"I'm smarter than you." A simple statement, but it was the most Ash had said to him since October.

"I know that." He nodded, wanting maybe another sentence, and an explanation for his best friends hostility. He gestured to Dean, "I was talking about that dick."

"Oh har-fucking-har, as if I'm not used to being the dumbest person in the room at any given moment, here comes the grades police to make sure I know my place." Dean didn't aim it at him, settling for talking to the whiskey instead.

"Hey, you're not dumb!" This was from Dean's brother, he looked about twelve all skinny and pinched in the cheeks, probably from an oncoming growth spurt. "Dean's the smartest guy I know!" He smiled with a punch to his brothers arm for effect.

"Not around these dudes, Sammy." No malice in it, this was getting weird. He smiled at his little brother and passed the bottle across him to Ash, "Anyway, you're smarter than these two, no problem!"

"Yeah and Dean can just slum it with me!" Gabriel gave himself a victory cheer. Maybe he was drunk? Cas was certainly feeling the whiskey anyway. Gabe pouted at him and patted the hood beside him, "So you no like my friends Cassie?"

"Aw poor Cassie doesn't like us!" Ash said in a sing song voice that was bordering on too sarcastic.

"I like you fine, just don't like that douche nozzle." Ash only shrugged in response. Sam was frowning at him.

"Cas? Like Jo's Cas?"

"Um…"

"Dean, is that Jo's Cas?"

"Sammy…"

"_That_ Cas?" the silence that followed could only be assent, but when Cas found himself with a face full of angry teenager he was still a little surprised. "You stay away from my cousin you- you pervert! You- you-" He pulled the older boy from this hood of the rusting car with more force than his body should have had.

"Sammy!" Dean put himself between his brother and Cas quickly, "Not cool."

"I think I'm getting deja vu." Cas said faintly, yup whiskey at its best.

"But- Him and Jo!" Sam looked completely scandalised that his brother wasn't defending her honour.

"Come on sport." Gabe threw an arm over Sam's shoulder and gave a wry chuckle, "Cassie you dog, why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend?"

"Because he doesn't!" Sam protested turning his hazel eyes on Gabriel imploringly, "They're not together… not like _that_."

"Oh wow. This is happening isn't it?" Cas couldn't do much more than stare at Sam, it seemed a lot worse coming from the kid. Where was the whiskey?

"And he shouldn't have done it, not when Ash was-"

"Quiet time Sammy." Dean's hand closed over Sam's mouth, but Gabriel was already piecing it together for him.

"You boned your friends girl?"

"What? No!" Cas spluttered, grabbing the abandoned bottle. Ash had frozen like a rabbit in the headlights, "Wait… what?"

"Shut up Cas." Ash didn't look at him.

"Ash?" He felt like his brain was only just catching up, "Wait- Ash? What the hell?"

"She wasn't my girl, Sammy."

"But you-" Sam managed before Dean's hand found its way back to his mouth again.

"Nope, not my girl."

"What did I miss?" This would be the opportune moment for the ground to open up beneath him, surely things like this didn't actually happen, "Hey Cas! Whatcha doin' here?" Jo skipped over, swinging a bottle of Cuervo in her hand and pecking him on the cheek cheerfully.

"Hoo boy." Ash grabbed the untouched bottle from Cas' grasp.

"Um…" Dean blinked at her.

"We were talking about your rather convoluted love life, if you are indeed the infamous Miss Jo?" Gabriel gave her a winning smile, "Gabriel Milton, at your service milady."

"Oh. Well crap."

"Jo!" Sam was looking scandalised when she threw her arm around Cas' shoulder with a smile. "He's not allowed here!"

"Lay off Sammy, it's all out in the open now!" Dean said cheerfully.

"I'm a bit confused myself." Cas said with a frown, Jo only shrugged and lifted the tequila to her lips with a little salute. "Care to fill me in Joanna Beth?"

"We… you know… did stuff. I think you were there for that bit."

"Mostly yes." He agreed, noticing now that there was already a substantial amount of tequila already missing from the bottle, he snagged it before she could have another pull. "Then?"

"Well then you told that idiot all about it, and Ash was there and then Ash was pissed."

"Yes, once again, I was there for that bit." Cas' head was swimming, but gave a little cheer when he added the tequila. Ash groaned loudly in protest.

"And Ash had asked me out, um, then."

"When?"

"When you told Dean..? Well just before but you know what I mean." It might have been a question.

"Ah." Cas suddenly felt like the worst best friend in history.

"Yup." Ash gave him a guarded look, "Shit happens I guess?"

"Wow, you guys are fun! Can't wait for senior year!" Gabriel wasn't even pretending to keep a straight face. "What you gonna do next year Cassie, burn down the school?"

"Only if you're locked in it." He growled, not funny, not at all funny. He pulled out his soft pack and lit one with a flourish. "Well, this has been a great catch up."

"Gimmie one of those." Ash pulled the pack from Cas' hand and stole the lighter to boot.

"I'm sorry man, I didn't know you-"

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up and smoke Cas."

"But I-"

"Shut up." Ash punctuated his statement by thrusting the cigarettes and lighter back into his hand with a frown. "You didn't know, I didn't know. Fuck it right?"

"Awww dayre so cyoooooot!" Gabe made a kissy face at them and took a pull from the whiskey, "Now man hug this shit out, I wanna get trashed and I can't do it with all your estrogen in the way!"

There might have been a gruff chest bumping, back slapping hug, but Gabriel never got to see it. He was far too busy talking to Jo to pay attention to the others.

"Aw, look Sammy, its sweet how manly they are!" Dean grinned easily.

"And don't you forget it, Winchester. I'm all man, man!" Ash slapped his chest, and Sam fell easily into step with him, talking about the subjects he could expect to tackle in his next school year. Cas couldn't blame him, Ash had a mind like a lock box, Cas couldn't remember what he'd eaten for breakfast.

"Glad you and Ash are buds again, no offence, I mean the guys hilarious, but how intense?" Dean looked honestly perplexed.

"Yeah, he gone on a CIA rant yet?" Cas grinned knowingly.

"Oh my god!" Dean buried his face in his hands, then peeked through his fingers, "Three hours. I can't even talk about cars for that long"

"Yup. He's the boss though, hacked the school mainframe when Professor Muck marked me down for correcting him on quadratic equations, dude gave me an A minus."

"Sweet! You think he could do that for me?" Dean had a faraway look in his eyes.

"I think the faculty might notice if you suddenly became a straight A student over night. Um... no offence."

"You're right." He shrugged easily. "Where's the whiskey?"

"I think Ash had it…" Cas said vaguely.

"Cool, I'll be right back."

* * *

So when September finally arrived, Cas found himself entering his senior year with his cousin annoying the crap out of him. Unfortunately this also meant that Dean got to join in, as according to Gabriel 'We're kindred spirits Cassie, you can't mess with that.' and Cas knew he wouldn't, Gabriel was happier with Dean around. Having Ash back helped too, his position as buffer had never been filled and he slipped back into the group with little fuss. It was weird, suddenly being dragged into a friendship with his former persecutor, but with his cronies mysteriously absent he found he could actually enjoy Dean's company, as long as Jo and Gabe were there with Ash beside him.


	6. Face to Face

A/N: An early Christmas present to all my new followers! Thank you all for reading and I hope everyone has a great holiday :) Tell me what you think!

His parents were waiting beside the silver sedan, watching them walk slowly to be swept into tight embraces. Cas was glad they'd given them some time with Anna and Chuck, for Gabriel's sake. If ever there was a demand for a novel based on uncomfortable car rides, Cas thought that this day had given him enough content to get a good start, the radio was playing a muted country song that they were all ignoring, filling the silence with words of love. Cas could see Gabe's features tightening, but no tears fell, he'd already shed his tears for the day it seemed.

The Roadhouse lot was packed, every inch of the scrubby yard filled. Cas pulled himself from the car quickly, the bars open door let the sound of Alice Cooper filter through the air, he could hear the babble of voices over the music. If there was ever a party he wished he wasn't going to, it was this one, but he fell into step beside Gabriel, knowing that Ash would be waiting with a bottle for them at the bar, and Ellen would need their support. The bar was packed, Cas could make out the faces of all of the people from the cemetery and a few who couldn't make it. Drinks were flowing and everywhere he heard her name on these strangers lips, anecdotes falling freely with muted laughs along with Alice telling the room that this girl was poison running through his veins.

When Ash spotted them, he made a beeline, he was already missing his suit jacket and his tie was wonky when he landed in their path, "I thought today might be a tequila day." he gestured to the bottle clutched in his hand.

"You're not wrong man," Gabriel agreed, throat working for a few seconds, "I definitely need a drink." Ash nodded his agreement and led them to a booth, Dean and Sam were already putting a dent into their own bottle. Cas slid in beside Dean without a word, letting Gabe and Ash take the other end. If there was any person who loved Jo as much as Gabriel, it was Ash. It had been a subject that was never broached, never spoken of, a hole in their friendship that couldn't be filled, until now. Now Cas watched as the pair poured their remorse into the void, filling in the edges and bringing them together in their grief. Cas' love for Jo had always been a solid, knowable thing, unchanging. Gabe's had been a growing love, everyday they were together it had gained, changed but always for the better.

He watched his cousin pouring shots for Ash with an ache in his chest, he had never allowed himself a love like that and suddenly he felt the loss of never having taken the chance. Taking the safe bet instead of risking everything, he felt foolish and small. Acutely aware of Deans thigh pressing against his. He couldn't control the tremor in his hand as he reached for the shot that Sam had slid to him, "Cas? You okay?" Sam was looking worried. He shook his head mutely before tossing the shot back, he didn't want to put words to the feeling curling in his guts.

"Just needs another shot." Dean poured obligingly and placed it in his hand. Cas downed that one too, then shot to his feet.

"I'm gonna go see Ellen…" he didn't wait for a response, he scanned the bar for the familiar head of mousy hair, but couldn't see her. It seemed reasonable that she might have gone in the back to get a break from the crowd, so he headed into the tiny living room without knocking, "Ellen?"

"She's layin' down boy." Bobby was at the kitchen counter, trucker cap and plaid shirt replaced with his white shirt sleeves, rolled up past the elbow.

"Sorry, I- I didn't mean to intrude I just…" He didn't feel like being tossed on his ass, so he started back the way he came.

"Cas, hold up just a sec." Bobby hadn't called him Cas in ten years, it made him feel sixteen again, "You're not intruding, son. You're as much a part of this family as Gabriel is." Bobby's eyes narrowed, scrutinising him closely, "Sumtin' bothering you?"

"Um- I just wanted to see Ellen." He swallowed thickly. Family was something he hadn't really had in the last eight years either, he'd kept in touch but it wasn't the same as being there.

"Well you got me. Now shit or get off the pot." His expression brokered no argument, so Cas just flopped onto the sofa running a hand through his hair distractedly.

"I don't know what to say," His hair suffered another hand run through it.

"I've known you the best part of your life son, nothing you say is gonna shock me." He smiled wanly, "We're past the point where I can scare you off with a few words and a shove. And if we're going down this road, well, I guess I should apologise. Jo loved you with all her heart, Cas and I made it hard for her."

"You were just doing what any father would Bobby."

"That ain't all son, I done some bass-ackward things in my time. Lord knows there's a hundred apologies owed on my part, but wading in on your love life has to be one of my dumbest mistakes." Bobby looked lost for a moment, as if the memories claiming him were reluctant to loosen their hold. "I shoulda never gone to John, I shoulda talked it out with you boys and heard your side-"

"Its ancient history now Bobby." He didn't want to hear this confessional, didn't want to think over those last weeks. His avoidance skills were honed to perfection by now, but Bobby wasn't having it.

"No it ain't. The look on your face when you walked in this room spoke volumes Cas, Dean Winchester is under your skin now just as much as he was then. If you want my advice- which I know you don't but tough, you're getting it- don't waste the time and energy denying yourself what you want." Cas opened his mouth to shout him down, but Bobby ploughed on over him, "I was married for eight years to a woman that I loved so much she had her very own pedestal in my heart, when she was took from me I thought it was because I didn't deserve happiness. If it weren't for that terrifying specimen back there I'd be dead and buried by now, Ellen refused to let me drink myself dead, she pulled me out of that and gave me a life I thought was never mine to have, but it would have never happened if I hadn't let it son. Sometimes you've just gotta hand over the reigns and let someone else take charge." Bobby gave him a nod and stood up, "Now those guests are going to need looking to, you take a minute then I expect you to come save me from your mother."

* * *

When Cas arrived at the booth Ash was the only one sat there, he scanned the bar but couldn't see Gabe or the Winchesters anywhere, "Oh Captain, my Captain!" Ash greeted him with a grin, "You just missed a Winchester blow out! Well not a full blow out. Gabe hauled 'em out before they got started."

"Huh," Cas grunted falling onto the booth beside him, "What was it this time?"

"Hell if I know, one minute me and Gabe are just chilling with my man Jose, then Sam's givin' Dean an ear bashing." He shrugged, "How's our hostess holding up?"

"Didn't get past the guard dog."

"Aw shitty, he tear you a new one to go with all the old ones he left?" Ash was grinning.

"Shut up!" Cas snatched the bottle from him, but smirked back, "Nah we buried the hatchet, I think. Or at least he was nice to me for the first time I can remember. He called me Cas."

"Weird!" Ash reclaimed the bottle with a contemplative look, Cas knew not to push, that Ash would come out with whatever was on his mind in his own damn time. Ash was an enigma at times, he could do quadratic equations in his head in seconds flat and hack the NSA if he wanted to, but when it came to speaking about himself he was always reluctant and slow, working through his feelings at a snails pace. "It's never going to be the same huh? I always thought if you came home we'd just kinda fall back into it, just forget all the bullshit and just hang like the old days. Never thought you'd be gone so long man, I thought you'd come up after college or law school. I guess it says a lot about Dean that it took Jo dying to get you back here huh?" he wasn't angry, or accusing, he was just sad. "I guess I coulda come to you too, goes both ways, but we missed you dude. You dumbass cousin has been driving me crazy for eight years and I was counting on you to rescue me!"

"I'm sorry man." Cas flushed, a combination of the tequila and his own selfishness staining his cheeks.

"I'm cool with it." Ash waved a hand dismissively, "You're here now, thats what matters."

Cas couldn't say he totally agreed, when he'd left it had been in a fit of righteous anger, he wanted to set fire to his bridges and watch them all burn, but looking back he knew that a lot of it had been wounded pride. He'd been so full of fire, he hadn't given much thought to Ash and Sam, Gabe and Jo. He and Jo had kept in touch, naturally. They'd been like two sides of the same coin for so long he couldn't imagine not talking to her, but he'd forsaken his best friend for freedom from Dean Winchester. Sure, he'd been angry and Dean had been unrepentant maybe if they'd just stopped and talked- No, not going down that dead end, he knew that path like the back of his hand and it only ever left him feeling hopeless and empty. Luckily the arrival of the man himself brought that train of thought shuddering to a halt. Dean stood by the booth and frowned at Cas.

"Hey compadre! Where's Sam and Gabe?" Ash asked, looking behind him.

"Bar," Dean grunted, not taking his eyes from Cas, "We need to talk."

"Sure," Cas shrugged. No point delaying the inevitable, "Will you excuse us Doctor Badass?" Ash delivered a fist bump as his response and gave Dean a salute which he returned with a smile, Cas pulled himself up, attempting to look a little more sober than he currently felt as he made his way through the crowd in Dean's wake, he led them out of the bar into the dusty heat of the afternoon. Cas lit up, his hands shaking slightly. He was so buried in his thoughts, Bobby's speech, talking to Chuck and Anna, Ash's no nonsense conversation that he wasn't paying attention to Dean. Dean who was suddenly talking fast, not looking at him.

"-The worst timing ever, but I can't- I swear if you just leave again I'll kick your ass- you're an asshole you know that?" Dean scowled at him.

"What?!" Shaken from his reverie, he glared right back. Not a great start. "Why am I the asshole all of a sudden?"

"You left!" Dean replied exasperatedly.

"So? You made it perfectly fucking clear you didn't want me around Dean, what did you expect me to do? Lock myself in my parents house and hope that maybe, just maybe you would want me again?" He scoffed, "If you remember you told me to fucking go! All of a sudden I'm the asshole? Fuck you Dean." He spun on his heel, ready to go another round with Ash or Bobby rather than listen to this bullshit. He didn't make it three steps before Dean's hand landed on his arm, pulling him back and into his arms and enclosing him in the embrace. The first time they'd touched in eight years, he could feel every minute they'd been apart disappear as Dean buried his head in Cas' shoulder.

"I- I'm sorry. I-" Dean was shaking, this was unprecedented. Dean Winchester did not apologise and in living memory no person had ever seen him _shaking_. "Cas you- I- SHIT! I'm never going to forgive myself, I didn't know. I was just an idiot teenager, I thought I was doing the right thing but I wasn't and you- you were just." The tears Cas had seen threatening this morning finally spilled, Dean brushed them away with the heel of his hand. "I was a moron Cas, the way I treated you after- it was unforgivable. I pushed you away and you ran- and now- I can't."

"Dean?" He didn't know what to do, what the hell did you do when Dean Winchester cried? He settled for patting him on the back awkwardly, "Dean, what-"

He was silenced by Deans lips on his, fiercely and possessively taking Castiels breath away. His heart sped up as Deans mouth worked against his, the warmth spreading through his chest and replacing the cold that had taken up residence since sunday morning. The fingers that had gripped his heart over Jo's death easing, falling away in the wake of the kiss, as if it were really that easy. It was oh so familiar, so achingly right, to do this with Dean, to throw caution to the wind. It was over in seconds, Dean pulled away and took a step back, putting much needed space between them. Cas could feel Dean's tears on his cheeks.

"You were beautiful Cas, back then." His voice was thick with emotion as he looked at Cas, "You were perfect and I was terrified, scared of everyone elses opinions. Scared of John. I pushed you out, pushed you away and now I- I couldn't do it Cas, I wasn't strong enough to just go skipping off into the homo sunset with you." Cas cringed at his vulgarity, but he couldn't speak, he needed to see where Dean was going. "If I had been a stronger person, if I had the balls to take what I wanted then you would have been here, with me, with Jo and Gabe. I stole eight years from us because I was a coward. I'm sorry. Cas- I-"

Cas took a steadying breath. He knew what was coming, could feel it building between them like a storm brewing in the air. His feet led him back into Dean's space, gaze trained on Dean even though he was still avoiding eye contact. He was trying to find the words, raking through his brain and trying to form sentences that could put eight years in order, unfortunately Dean had always had a way of saying what he meant in the stupidest ways and it rubbed off. Instead of: "I'm sorry too.", "I hate you." or "Lets give it a go." or maybe even "Lets fuck it out." Cas let this fall out of his mouth: "I got the ugliest scar on my left knee."

Silence.

Dean stared at him in disbelief, "I'm pouring my sorry heart out to you and you- wow." He looked like he was fighting a laugh, "I thought I was meant to be the insensitive one!"

"I got it five years ago, me and Charlie were drunk off our asses and thought it would be a great idea to take her bike out." Ignoring Dean's growing look of annoyance he shook his head ruefully and smiled, "It was three in the morning on some butt fuck back road, and a car came out of nowhere. Bike went from under us when we swerved and we skid for about twenty feet, no major injuries but I tore up my knee real bad, and Charlie sprained her wrist, lost a bunch of skin on her ass," he chuckled remembering Charlie showing him her road rash in the middle of a packed bar one night, "We were so drunk we barely felt it, just hopped back on the death trap and kept right on going, we were heading to Savannah. Charlie couldn't believe I'd never seen the ocean and insisted we go, I bet we looked like a pair of runaways when we got to the coast, but it was worth it."

"I'm still not clear where you're going with this Cas?"

"This is nuts, I know but I guess it's the only way I can really say it." Deep breath, think of the words, you're okay Novak, now look at him. "Standing there, on that strip of sand and watching the sun reflecting off the Atlantic, feeling like I could see all the way to Casablanca if I tried. It was worth it, worth the pain, worth the scar, just to have that one moment."

"Cas..." Dean was finally looking at him, a carefully guarded glance, not wanting to jinx it.

"We were kids Dean, we were too young to even slightly comprehend what we were doing, you know that and I certainly do and now here we are all older and wiser." Cas lit another cigarette, Dean had knocked the last one from his hand during their embrace, "I didn't even think you know, when my Mom called, on the plane. I didn't even give it a thought that you'd be here, I'd buried it so damn deep and when you were sat at the booth, huffing and puffing at me. I-" he took another drag, trying to pull his thoughts together, "You look different, older but not old, your voice is different too. But then I guess we've both changed huh?"

"Me yeah, but you're still perfect." green eyes caught his in earnest now, "I'm sorry about what I said on Monday. I was just, well, hungover and I couldn't remember if you'd been there the night before and if you had what the hell might have been said... I was just so angry that you hadn't come back for me. You said you weren't going to put your life on hold waiting for me to come to my senses and I get that, I really do, but I guess I did it instead."

"Dean, what the hell?"

"I know, I'm a mess." he sighed and ran a hand over his mouth, "I spent so long pretending that I was okay, that I was happy living alone in my shitty apartment and working with Bobby, but then you were there and it hit me. I was so mad, I just acted on reflex. It's so stupid, because I wasn't even mad at you, I was mad at myself and at Jo for dying, and with Sammy for seeing straight through to the heart of it." another mouth rub, "I wish I could take it all back, the last four days, the eight years, everything. But I can't."

Cas' hands were shaking again as he pressed the cigarette to his lips, he felt like all of the walls were coming down again, like even the foundations had crumbled beneath them. Dean was close now, only a couple of steps and they'd be touching again. He needed another drink, needed to find something steady to hold on to because right now his world was tipping on its axis. Smoking was good, smoking was helping even as his fingers trembled against his lips it was something to ground him, but Dean just kept going.

"It's crazy huh? I think I had myself totally convinced that I was over it- over you- but then the second I heard your voice…" he laughed darkly, "I was hiding you know, I didn't want to look at you, didn't want to see your face because I knew I was gone. Total write-off. I don't think I can do it Cas, I don't think I've got it in me to let you go again." A step closer, Cas could reach a hand and touch him now, "Cas, I need you to tell me what you want. I need you to be the one who decides. I'll do anything you tell me, I promise, but it has to be you who makes this call. You're the smart one." Dean had caught hold of his free hand, running a thumb over the knuckles gently. They both observed the movement, heads down watching the way Dean took comfort and Cas allowed it, everything he couldn't put words to was there, in the clasp of their hands. Dean was reaching out to him and Cas was there waiting.

The inevitable touch of their lips was Cas' doing, he'd hesitated for just a moment before closing the gap, the press of mouths was so achingly like their first kiss it made his chest hurt, as if his ribs couldn't contain his heart anymore. He poured everything into it, into the tilt of his head and the hands gripping Deans hips. When their tongues met it was with the jolt of electricity that he expected, all of the years, all of the drunken one night stands hadn't make him unravel like this, it was all Dean. When Dean finally broke away (Dean could never out last Cas in a million years.) Cas smiled up at him.

"Guys, if you could disengage the face sucking there's a bottle of whiskey in here with our names on it." Ash's voice floated through Cas' consciousness like an annoying fly on a light bulb, he tried not to give it any attention but failed miserably.

"Coming Ash, give us a sec yeah?" Dean called back.

"Why do we need a sec?" Cas asked.

"Just wanted to make sure we're on the same page…" His eyes darted around looking anywhere but at Cas.

"Dean…" Cas sighed heavily, a rueful smile playing on his lips "Stop trying to give me an out. I'm not going anywhere."

"Good." Punctuated with another kiss, a smile and linked hands as they made their way back into The Roadhouse.


	7. Last of the Small Town Playboys

Being friends with Dean Winchester was something of a surreal experience, Cas discovered. He was suddenly cool by association, people smiled at him in the hallways and gave way for him instead of shouldering past him. It was all a bit weird. Not that Cas considered them friends, not really, they didn't interact at school at all but somehow the student body just knew. Their Senior year was slowly slipping by, Gabriel and Dean were busy planning what they were calling 'the senior prank to end all pranks' and Ash and Cas were taking on college prep classes for which they were getting mercilessly mocked, Jo was dating some vacant waste of skin who followed her like he was leashed. Cas and Ash had a unique study style when tackling their classes, since so many of their subjects overlapped they would split the homework and half their workloads, leaving them more time to chill. They liked to work on saturday afternoons at Ash's place, since his parents were perpetually out of town on business and there was a more than likely chance that Gabe and Dean would be at his place plotting.

When the day of the senior prank arrived, he and a very excited Gabriel set off an hour early for school, clutching their free UPS boxes. Cas was more than a little annoyed that he was being dragged out of bed hours early for some childish prank, but Gabe was so buzzed he might even forgive him the ungodly hour. When they arrived on campus Cas wasn't surprised to find Dean and Ash already there with a smattering of their class, that everyone was holding the same boxes looking slightly baffled was interesting though. The moment they were spotted Dean put them to work, Cas was to assemble the boxes that Ash collected while he and Gabe were doing… something, he had been piling up the boxes for more than twenty minutes before Gabe and Dean returned hiding a box behind them which they stowed in the entryway before taking armfuls of them and arranging them in front of the entrance, piling one upon the other like a wall. Fifteen minutes and a hundred and fifty boxes later (Ash had thankfully joined him for the last ten minutes), Gabe and Dean had built a positive fortress around the doors, they granted Cas and Ash access with shit eating grins and gave them a guided tour. The tour consisted of 'here's the lookout point, here's the water balloons, now take up arms- winter is coming', Dean was solemn in his declaration.

When the first students appeared on the horizon (the majority of the senior class now safely sheltered in the entrance hall) Gabriel gave a shill shout of "Wildlings! Defend the Wall men!" and unleashed his first balloon with gusto. The next ten minutes passed in a blur of flying projectiles, screaming students and breathless laughter. When the Principal finally made it to the front of the rather wet crowd and demanded they clean up the mess and let them into the school, Dean greeted her with a smirk and chirped "Password!". The thunderous look on her features as she explained that she would not be giving any password to gain entry to her own school was priceless, unfortunately the boys preoccupation with the Principal allowed an enterprising group of Freshmen to burrow through the wall. Once they'd been thoroughly chewed out in the Principals office they were put on clean up duty, but even try to flatten a hundred and fifty rather stubborn boxes couldn't wipe the smile from Cas' face.

* * *

Once the senior prank was out of the way Dean and Gabriel became something of an annoyance to Cas, without the distraction of the 'ultimate prank' to keep them busy they spent a disproportionate amount of time lazing around the Novak household, monopolising the living room and eating everything that was readily available in the kitchen. Cas' parents were just happy that Gabriel had settled in nicely and since they'd never known Dean in his former role as Cas' tormentor they believed him to be a thoroughly charming young man. Having Dean in his personal space was disconcerting, and having him treat Cas with the utmost deference was unnerving, but since the prank had gone down with such success they were a touch more relaxed around each other. Cas found himself in Dean's company, Gabe ever present and more often than not they laughed and joked like old friends. Gabriel was the perfect bridge between their mutual discomfort, easing away Dean's macho bravado and bringing out Cas' less serious side.

Even with the boundaries of their 'friendship' newly redefined, Dean turning up in his bedroom on a rainy wednesday night in march was a new experience. He just threw himself onto the bed beside Cas and announced, "Your Mom let me in, she thought that Gabe was in his room. Looks like he snuck out though."

"So you decided to hang out with me because..." It was definitely a question, Cas could feel his hackles rising. They didn't hang out alone unless they were drunk, on the very few occasions they were alone together, they were awkward in the extreme, avoiding eye contact and barely shuffling through a string of sentences before their friends joined them. If you added alcohol then Drunk Cas thought Drunk Dean was hilarious, and Drunk Dean considered Drunk Cas' to be his bestest friend. Cas didn't deem it worthy of thinking too hard about, he had always been a friendly drunk, the alcohol helped to take the clipped edges from his tone and relax his rigid posture. He found it easier to deal with groups of his peers when he had the soothing taste of whiskey on his tongue. Dean was easier to deal with because his guard would slowly fall away, leaving behind not the intimidating six foot man he presented himself to the school as, but a seventeen year old boy who had no qualms sitting and arguing with Cas for hours over the most pointless things. One memorable Saturday just before they returned to school, they had spent two hours going over the finer points of Trek versus Wars, only stopping because Sam had barged into the conversation claiming that it was redundant since neither matched Lord of the Rings in awesomeness. This had sparked a further hour of debating sci-fi over fantasy with Dean and Cas uniting against Sam and Gabriel. Dean and Cas still believed they had won this row, Sam and Gabe vehemently denied any knowledge of them agreeing just to shut them up. Ash had passed out and Jo was attempting to throw up as quietly as possible in the Winchesters bathroom.

"Because if I go straight back downstairs then your Mom'll know something is up and Gabe'll get chewed out." Dean answered as if it were obvious, he stretched lazily and settled into the pillows, "So what we watching nerd?"

"Bringing Up Baby." Cas didn't take his eyes from the screen.

"You watch classic movies?"

"Well spotted." Maybe if he ignored Dean he'd get bored and leave.

"What's it about?" Dean was staring at him instead of the screen. "Who's in it?"

"Its Grant and Hepburn, they lost a leopard and have to catch it for Hepburn's aunt."

"Oookay then."

"Shut up and watch the damn movie before I make you go sit in Gabe's pit by yourself."

"Alright cranky pants. Jeeze!"

They watched in partial silence for an hour, every now and then Dean would ask him a question about this or that actor or comment on the plot, but Cas answered him as easily as he could. Being in a group with Dean was relatively easy, using his cousin as a buffer he could almost forget their history, but sitting in his darkened bedroom with the guy who had terrorised him for three years was a different matter entirely. He was acutely aware of the boy beside him, watching the proceedings with a small smile of his face, totally at ease. It was setting him on edge. When the movie finished Dean sat up with a bright smile, "So whats next?"

"I'm sorry?" He surely wasn't expecting Cas to entertain him all night, was he? "Aren't you leaving?" Rude, he knew, but he'd played host too long already.

"Nope, Gabe keeps me here most of the night." Dean stood suddenly, walking to the bookcase and scanning the jumbled mix of classic movies and sci-fi. Cas had almost resigned himself to having Dean as a perpetual shadow when the boy in question turned to him with a frown marring his features, "Unless you want me to go?"

"Um…" Cas was torn between shoving him out of the door or protecting Gabriel from his parents. Dean looked suddenly mortified when he didn't answer straight away. He was horrified he'd managed to put a look like that on Dean's face.

"Oh- okay. I'll just-" he'd never seen Dean lose his footing like this, "I can sneak out- I'll get out of your hair." looking anywhere but at Cas he turned to the door.

"No- wait!" Dean froze in the doorway, his fingers were twitching as if itching to grab the handle and make his escape.

"Nah Cas, I wasn't thinking. I bet you've been dying to smack me this whole time." He let out a panicked little laugh.

"Well not the whole time, part of it I was getting exasperated by your incessant questions." He tried to make it light, tried for the relaxed and slightly snarky attitude that Dean found so funny when they drank. "I could hit you if you wanted, but I doubt it'd be very impressive."

"Wouldn't be any less than I deserved." Dean muttered.

"Woah!" Light, teasing. Almost right, just need to drop the shoulders and he could almost look relaxed, "Dean Winchester admitting he's in the wrong. Give me a second and I'll grab a camera for this kodak moment!"

"Shut up Cas, not funny."

"You think I'm hilarious." Deadpanned, smooth. Add a hint of a grin, yep he was getting good at this.

"Nah, drunk Cas is hilarious, you're amusing." Dean was relaxing despite himself, he could see it in his posture.

""So sober Cas isn't fun," he sighed in a put upon kind of way, add a little pout. Cas tried very hard not to notice that now he was sober it felt a lot closer to flirting, "I might have to take it as an insult that you only like me when I'm drunk Dean."

"Sober Cas makes me nervous-"

"I'm sorry?!" All pretense of relaxation disappeared in a heartbeat, voice sharp and shoulders sharper, "Why the hell would I make you nervous?"

"Um, I guess because we're great when we're drunk?" Dean had gone a shade of pale pink, "Wait- um, damn am I bad at this! Right so you know we're funtime drunks yeah?"

"Yes, I have been informed." Dean was looking at a point slightly over his left shoulder, as if shifting to eye contact would stop the words he wanted to say from coming out.

"Well I think its because we can kinda pretend that I wasn't an asshole, you know? So we both brush it aside when we drink and without it between us we get along great and it makes me happy and then we're sober and it makes me nervous I guess because all of the barriers are back and I dunno how to act around you…" Dean let this out in one go before his words failed.

"Yeah, I noticed that. The drunk thing." he shook his head, trying to rally his thoughts, "I kinda have a hard time reconciling your different sides too."

"Maybe we should just stay drunk, it would be easier on us?" Dean chuckled darkly.

"Hardly the most stable basis for friendship though." Cas grinned, Dean's answering smile was weak, but at least it was there.

"You're right, I dunno what to do then, fresh outta ideas. Your turn, you're the smart one!"

"Right, maybe we should clear the air? Just get it all out in the open and then it's done? It worked for me and Ash."

"Where the hell would we even start?"

"How about why you disliked me so much?" He said it matter of factly, but his stomach was roiling. By the looks of it Dean wasn't a big fan of it either, but Cas heard him take a grounding breath before he started talking.

"So you and Jo have been friends for years, when we were kids she used to talk about you all the freaking time, Cas said this, me and Cas did that. It was real cute, me and Sammy used to make fun of her and her boyfriend." Dean shot him a loaded look at the word, "Then when we started High School and I finally met you, I made it my mission to split you guys up-"

"What?! Why?"

"Have you seen you? I couldn't let my favorite cousin hang out with a guy like you!"

"Only cousin Dean. And what do you mean a guy like me?" He was honestly perplexed, "Too much of a nerd? Wanted to save her from social suicide?"

"Intense pretty blue eyes, already filling out and funny." Dean didn't look at him. Cas looked at him like he'd grown an extra head.

"So you didn't want us hanging out just incase we..."

"Yep." Dean shook his head regretfully, "I should have known it wouldn't work, damn headstrong woman."

"So, I- uh, hate to break it to you but plan A didn't work!" Cas couldn't help the laugh that broke free.

"You're telling me!" Dean was laughing too, they spent a moment letting the stupidity of the situation roll over them, once they reigned themselves back in they were wearing identical grins. Cas could feel their alter egos melting into eachother. "So yeah, I suck at chasing off dudes I don't want to bone my cousin."

"Well if it weren't for the copious amounts of Whiskey I'd never have gotten up the nerve."

"Ew tmi Cas!"

"I don't think I'll do it again." it was something he'd realised once the furore had died down, but hadn't had anyone to discuss it with. Why Dean Winchester seemed like the person to tell he didn't know, but it was out now. Clear the air, let it all out then deal with it right?

"Well I hope not, she's got a new pet the follows her into girls bathrooms he's so dense!" Dean grinned.

"No, not Jo!" he laughed, "The whole women thing, too complicated."

"Ill have to take your word for it."

What?

"What?!" Maybe Dean had grown an extra head, a head that was delusional and drunker that their alter egos combined. "But you're Dean Winchester! Girls practically lay down in the hallways for you!"

"Yeah. That's not really who I am."

"Dean, are you..."

"Am I what Cas?" the edge was back in his voice and he'd balled his fists, Cas' heart was racing.

"Gay?" it was a whisper, as if saying it any louder would be an act of violence on his part.

"I- I don't know."

"How can you not know?!"

"When your reputation is as set on stone as mine is, there aren't many opportunities to test the theory out."

"Oh- that sucks." Cas' heart was thumping against his ribcage, his train of thought derailed. He ran over their conversation again, every conversation, every interaction.

"Yeah tell me about it, I mean I've done stuff with girls, but it didn't feel right but I dunno wether it's the girls or the gender that's what's wrong so-"

"You said I have pretty eyes." Dean flushed red, suddenly Cas felt very, very stupid. All of the attention Dean had given him in their drunken best friends moments flashed through his mind, all of the the laughter, them falling asleep on each other on Ash' couch and tonight, he'd actually tried to replicate their drunken interactions while firmly denying their shameless flirting. Dean's mouth was opening and closing, as though he was trying to speak but the words wouldn't come out. "Dean?"

"Listen its fine, I don't want you to get weirded out or anything. I mean we're friends now right?" panicky. Holy crap! Dean was actually shaking.

"Dean! It's okay!" he crossed the room and put a reassuring hand on his arm, leading him to the bed and sitting him down. "It's fine, really."

"You're not freaked out?" Dean looked at him suspiciously, "You don't think I'm disgusting?"

"Ha! No Dean." he smiles fondly, "Far from it, it makes a lot of sense really."

"Should I be offended or proud?" Dean rolled his eyes. "It's not like it's official anyway, the jury is still out." he chuckled again.

"I could-" his voice died in his throat, words refusing to leave for fear of rejection.

"Cas?"

Screw it.

Whatever lingering ill-will Cas could have possibly harboured was washed away in the first press of lips, Dean didn't respond immediately and a moment of uncertainty made him pull away, wanting to be sure this was okay, to gauge Dean's reaction. He caught a peek of green eyes widened with shock before Dean grabbed him by the neck and pulled him back in. Their lips met in battle, fighting for dominance from the very beginning, it was a mess of tongues and teeth and Cas wasn't sure who was even winning. Each press of tongue, move of lips was electricity that made his head swim and his hands grip tighter to Dean's arms. When his teeth grazed Dean's lip he heard a growl rip from Dean's throat that seared his senses, and just like that, he'd won. Breaking away from Cas' lips he gulped in air like he was a drowning man who'd just been saved, Cas only moved the focus of his attention to the hollow of his throat, teasing and testing the area, "Jesus Christ! Cas!"

"Hmm?" lips and tongue gliding smoothly to the sensitive skin behind his ear, a groan earned for that. Definitely winning. He broke away slowly, with a nip at his jaw, "How was that? Has the jury come to a decision?"

The lazy smile he received was answer enough. Dean was still gripping his neck as though he was worried Cas was going to move away again, not that he had any intention of doing so, he wanted to go back to investigating the interesting sounds Dean made when his lips worked his neck. Unfortunately Gabriel 'King of the Cockblock' Milton had other ideas, and made them clear the moment he swung the door open and skipped into the room, flopping onto the bed beside them without sparing them a glance as Cas hurriedly put inches between them.

"Hey guys!" he looked a little spaced out.

"Where the hell have you been douchenozzle?" Dean sounded annoyed, Cas wasn't sure if it was feigned or not.

"Did I ever love til now?" Gabriel threw his hands to the ceiling in supplication.

"Gabe, where have you been?" Cas did an amazing job of keeping his voice level.

"I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to freak out. Especially Dean. No freaking out." When they nodded their agreement Gabriel broke into possibly the brightest smile Cas had ever seen grace his features. "I've been at The Roadhouse. With Jo."

"Oookay. So I'm not freaking out. But a bit more detail might stem the tide of anger Gabe." Dean's measured tone made Cas grin impishly and Gabriel fix him with a confused look.

"No- nothing like that, we just- Talked" With a capital T, Cas could hear it in his inflection.

"Talked?" Dean relaxed.

"I'm in love man. I know you're gonna ream me for it, but I can't help it." Gabriel's eyes were glassy, wherever he was, Cas and Dean weren't invited, "She's so- just- wow."

"Use words Gabe, it helps." Never accuse Cas of being less than a perfect cousin.

"I don't think she even knows." He shook his head sadly, addressing the ceiling again. Cas' hand was dangling off the bed carelessly when Deans fingers entwined with his, he shot him a look, and there was only a smile greeting him.

"Its okay man, we'll make sure she knows." smile still firmly in place.

"Woakay! Did you get a personality transplant in the last four hours?" Gabe gave him a skeptical look, Dean only shrugged back.

"Well your intentions towards my favorite- Only, fine!" This was aimed at Cas with an exasperated look, "Only cousin are pure, unlike someone in this room."

"I was drunk!"

"That excuse is running thin Cassie." Eye roll. Cas hated eye rolls, "Anyway, I'm sure Dean's bored you to tears so I'll relieve you of his company so you can go back to watching your crappy movies." Dean was unceremoniously yanked from the bed. Cas was left feeling figuratively and literally empty handed.

"Later Cas." the words implications not lost on the dark haired boy.


	8. I Caught Fire

A/N: So, here there be absolute and complete smut. Fair warning, we're getting graphic.

Cas entwined their fingers loosely, letting his hand rest between them on the worn leather of the Impala's interior, not thinking about all of the times they'd spent doing this in the past, of how good it felt to have it again. Avoiding thoughts of the inevitable conversation that was brewing about bridging an eight hundred mile gap, he wasn't ready to face the sacrifices that would be made on either his or Dean's part. Instead he tightened his grip minutely, enjoying the squeeze he received in response before Dean reclaimed his hand to use the indicator.

They'd beat a hasty retreat from The Roadhouse, Ash had been grinning from ear to ear when they arrived back at the booth which was mirrored on Sam and Gabriel's faces. Cas knocked back his shot with a mumbled "Night, guys." and grabbed Dean's hand, dragging him out to the lot and the hulking shape of Chevvy awaiting them. Cas may have shoved the taller man against it and mussed him up a bit, but then again it might have been that last shot of whiskey.

When Dean reclaimed his hand, they had pulled to a stop outside a nondescript apartment building, "Coffee?" he smiled, thumbing Cas' knuckles softly. It would be just coffee, if Cas wanted it to be.

"Beer, whiskey?" He needed something to take his mind off the heat curling in his gut, and coffee wouldn't cut it.

"Sure." Dean shot him the tiniest smile of acquiescence and pulled himself from the car, circling the bonnet and pulling the passenger door open before Cas got a chance. Hand holding resumed on the walk to the door and didn't get dropped until they were outside Dean's apartment, he'd always been the more tactile one of the pair. The door swung open to reveal Dean's home, tiny kitchenette encroaching on the living room, two doors leading off it. He seriously did have a shitty apartment. "Make yourself comfortable." Dean rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly and started opening cupboards in search of Cas' whiskey request.

""This place is tiny!" Cas examined the pair of bookshelves along one wall, noticing a few classics thrown in to the jumble of cult movies and fantasy that Cas could see Sam had influenced. The second bookcase was filled with tattered paperbacks, some so worn that the spines bore no titles.

"Yeah, when Dad kicked it the will said to split everything fifty fifty, but since Sammy was gonna be in debt out the ass from Stanford I put most of mine towards his college. This was what I could afford after that." Dean was clutching a bottle Jack and a couple of glasses. Cas was holding a much repaired paperback, spine destroyed and taped together multiple times. Dean didn't comment, but a smile played around the edge of his lips as he handed over the glass and filled it, "Small it may be, but it's home."

"I love it." Cas agreed, it was compact but it was homey and casual and very Dean. Bare necessities, nothing extravagant but the flatscreen in the corner was new and the furniture was comfortable to a point where when Cas flopped onto the sofa, he knew that he'd be able to curl up and sleep for weeks if he felt like it. His words brought that smile that was hiding on Dean's lips right to the fore, and he beamed back, "So I see you ruined my book." he gestured to the poorly repaired novel in his lap, returning the smile.

"I'll buy you a nice shiny new one," Dean took a sip of Whiskey and picked up the wrecked paperback, examining it carefully, "I can spring ten bucks for a new copy."

Cas feigned insult, snatching it back from him and holding it to his chest, "I like this one, it's mine after all."

"Sure Cas, whatever you want," Dean said in his most indulgent tone.

"Good." Cas drained his glass, taking an exaggerated victory sip. "So this is all yours?"

"Bought and paid for." Dean nodded.

"Wow. We're all grown up huh?"

"Says the attorney!"

"Not like I'm some bigshot lawyer or anything," he shrugged.

"Yeah but you have a career and shit! That's crazy dude."

"If you say so Mr property portfolio." that earned him a punch in the arm and a loud laugh. Dean laughing was a sight to behold, he was usually so composed, smirking and chuckling at life, but when he laughed... Head thrown back, hands gripping his sides, and his knees that had drawn up of their own accord, he always laughed like it caught him off guard and he had to gather himself together again.

"I missed this." Dean smiled, arm over the back of the couch, there was the slightest touch of fingers on Cas neck. He leaned into it willingly. "I missed you."

"Hmm," Cas agreed, catching dean's wrist and kissing the pulse there, "Yeah." He would have liked to tell Dean about all of the times he'd imagined this moment, or all of the little moments that had made his heart pull in his direction because it brought the taller man to mind, but the sudden urge to push Dean back into the sofa cushions and continue the path his lips had begun was too tempting. When Dean allowed Cas to lay him out on the couch, lips persistently mapping the crease of his elbow, nipping his shoulder, brushing the exposed base of his throat and moving up to capture his mouth, all sensible conversation was effectively erased. Cas could drive himself crazy, dipping and tasting, but never _taking_. Thankfully Cas' sanity was retained when his lips met Dean's, even if Cas wasn't taking, Dean was giving as good as he got.

Their usual dance of dominance, of Cas laying claim was gone. Cas would have lamented its loss were it not for the sheer perfection that was this kiss. The smallest touch of lips, parted with a stuttering breath from his lover, a press of tongue teasing his own, the tilt of his face mirroring Dean's urging their mouths closer, the rasp of stubble brushing stubble. This was not the frantic need of their youth, this was unhurried, passionate in its own way. The way Dean's hand skimmed his ribs before settling on a hip left a burning trail, the flex of Cas fingers on the back of Dean's neck elicited a sigh that Cas caught within their kiss. He should have been off the couch and halfway down the block, if it had been anyone else he would have been, by its very nature this should have terrified him. They weren't just kissing to as a gateway to sex, this wasn't his usual fuck and run. This felt awfully like making love.

He should stop, should pull away and give voice to every lingering doubt and second guess that he had avoided on the drive over. Every logical part of his brain was protesting, screaming that this was too much, too different, that he'd let himself be vulnerable once before and that it was _Dean Winchester_ who he was allowing to do this to him. But all of the protesting, all of the doubts were brushed aside, unable to withstand the feeling that his lungs had suddenly expanded with their first air in eight years, heart thundering in encouragement and recognition of the adrenaline that Dean's touch released.

It wasn't going to happen again, this wasn't the same Dean and he wasn't the same Castiel, they had already suffered the loss once... This Dean knew what it was to think you're invincible and to learn the hard way that you're as delicate as everyone else. Old Dean had been complacent and so self assured that he hadn't ever truly let his guard down. But here he was, gently and effectively letting the walls fall, exposing himself in the most breathtakingly explicit way Cas had ever seen. His heart beat harder at the realisation that this was all or nothing, that Dean was giving him everything and once again it was up to him to make the choice for the both of them. He could choose to walk away, or he could make this one happy memory to look back on, or he could respond in kind.

The feeling was freeing. Letting it all go, the doubts and resentment, the petty anger. It made his head spin, and combined with the skate of Dean's fingers along his jaw his heart thrilled. He knew that Dean felt it too, he could feel him smiling into the kiss when Cas relaxed into him, weight pressing them into the cushions. Dean finally broke free, smile still firmly in place and his eyes shining with something Cas wasn't willing to name, not yet. "Thank you." He smiled, knowing that Dean wasn't talking about the kiss, he was talking about second chances and something that was soul-deep, something that was buzzing in his own chest this very moment.

Cas found the buttons on Deans shirt, latching back onto his lips and working each one free, exposing an inch of smooth skin at a time. Dean's hands fisted in the back of his shirt, pulling it hurriedly free and letting eager fingers trail across the base of his spine, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Each tender touch was pushing them further into the kiss, tongues wrestling, lips hot and languid in their movement. The familiar heat was building again, like every press of lips was stoking the embers, each shift of Deans hips against his was bringing them closer to the flames.

"Bedroom." It might have been gasped, but it was a demand that Dean was all too willing to fulfill. He nodded, eyes heavily lidded, chest heaving. He straightened when Cas stood, grabbing his hand and pulling their bodies flush, sloppy kisses leading to one of the two doors. Dean was struggling with the door, the handle was being incredibly stubborn and refusing to budge. His hands were shaking, a combination of anticipation and the bold touches Cas was administering, body pressed against his, hands squeezing hips, lips travelling the familiar path from collarbone to the hollow behind his ear. They'd never make it past the doorway at this rate. Dean grabbed at the door frame, looking for something solid to brace against while he fumbled the handle, Cas' right hand joined his in the quest to open the door, his left slid from hip to groin in a single motion. Dean's grip on the door failed, right hand mirroring his left in gripping the door frame, head falling back onto Cas' shoulder with a groan that couldn't be anything but pleasure.

Cas let out a huff of laughter, "Hmmm, now thats familiar…" the statement was punctuated with Cas' hand pressing his cock, pulling him back and into Cas' hardness. His other hand had finally managed to open the cursed door and Dean found himself guided through it, turning in the dark haired man's arms he attacked the buttons of his shirt while Cas was busying himself with Dean's dress trousers. The air was permeated with the hiss of Dean's fly loosening, the whisper of Cas' shirt falling to the floor before Dean added his own. Cas batted Dean's hand away when he reached for the fastening of his own pants, much more interested in divesting Dean of his, he pushed Dean onto the bed, pale chest in stark contrast with the dark covers and removed the less interesting items of clothing. Shoes were carelessly thrown across the room, socks peeled away and stuffed onto the pile of shirts before Cas finally moved back to Dean's hips.

He felt almost like he was unwrapping a present, the anticipation and want thrumming through his veins as those last layers melted away. Then there he was, Dean Winchester, naked and waiting for him, arousal practically begging for attention where it lay against his stomach. Cas simply devoured the sight, committing every part to memory, Dean lay back against the pillows and watched, moving a hand to lazily stroke himself. It was something to behold, Dean's length disappearing into his fist, biting his lips and quirking a brow at Cas in invitation. Cas suddenly felt a little over dressed, he toed off his shoes and got rid of his socks before joining Dean on the bed, straddling his thighs and leaning down to lick a stripe up from collarbone to jaw.

"You look amazing right now," he groaned against Dean's neck.

"And you still look overdressed… allow me." reaching for Cas' pants again, their gaze connected, Dean seeking approval and Cas giving it. Their positions were flipped before Cas could even protest, Dean loosening his fly with just a tiny pressure against his hardness, then palming his backside to pull the layers free with a victorious grin. Cas expected him to resume the incredibly hot kisses, bring them back into one another but instead he leaned back on his haunches, examining Cas the way Cas had him, taking in every inch of exposed skin before him. Dean had presented himself well under the scrutiny, but Cas wasn't much of a showman, he simply blushed a little while Dean inspected his knee minutely. "You're right, thats the ugliest fuckin' scar I've ever seen!"

"Leave my scar alone, It's unique is all." Cas huffed.

"I like it, Dude's dig scars too you know?"

"Shut up. I'm naked and needy up here!"

"Mmm I can tell…" He nuzzled against the scar for a moment, before skimming his lips up the inside of Cas' thigh and leaving a kiss at a hipbone. "You're so fucking hot Cas. Just so perfect…" he switched to the other hipbone, laving at the spot and making Cas shudder, "Can't believe you're finally here with me." A nip of teeth, "Wanted this. _Needed_ this for so long…"

"I swear if you don't get your ass up here and kiss me I'm leaving!"

"No you're not. Never again." Such conviction behind the words that it took Cas' breath away for a second, but Dean kissed him, thankfully, gratefully. Their bodies pressed together and the sudden relief of friction made his head spin, feeling Dean's cock against his was almost enough to blow all rationality to the winds.

"_Oh fuck_!" hips rolled, pressed, seeking that perfect friction. "Never again." It felt right, felt good and the words just fit what his heart was singing elation, "_Fuck_- no. _Never, Dean._"

"Good. So fucking good." Dean panted above him, his hips stuttered when Cas squeezed a hand between them and gripped them both, stroking, needing more, "_Fuckingjesuschrist_ Cas!"

"Dean!" Words, he knew a few, but they'd all drifted off leaving only expletives and DeanDeanDean, "Dean- _fuck_- we need- _Jesus_!"

Dean pulled himself up onto his elbows with a laugh, "I don't think Jesus is a-available!" words failing for a second under Cas' insistent hands, he leaned across them and rifled through a drawer in the bedside table and returned with his prize clasped victoriously, pushing it into Cas's grasp with the faintest blush. "You have the floor Mr Novak."

Cas blinked, looking between the bottle and Dean for a second before he rose, flipping their positions once more and laying Dean out gently, kissing him softly. Cas heard his lover's breathing speed up when the sound of the lid popping filtered into the silence, he coated his fingers liberally, knowing how uncomfortable this would be even with the lube and circled the furl of Deans entrance before sliding the first digit home. Tight. Jesus christ, how the fuck was he still so tight? Dean was visibly controlling his breathing above him, mumbling between each breath, "So good… mmm, can't wait for… only you Cas."

He gripped Dean's erection loosely as he added a the second finger, feeling Dean's muscles grip in tightly when he pushed in and scissored, opening him up and lazily stroking him through the burn. Dean continued his litany of praises and confessions, Cas was only half listening, so engrossed in the sight of a third finger disappearing into the tightness, knowing from the hitch of breath that followed the stroke of his prostate that Dean was enjoying this as much as he was. "Can't wait to feel you… Have you inside me again… Only you- _Always you_ Cas." followed by a whine when Cas removed his fingers, coating them once more and covering his own erection. He lined up, hiking Dean's right leg against his shoulder and… he hesitated. He sought Dean's gaze looking for something… permission? Maybe he just needed confirmation that they really were doing this.

"Hey. Cas, you with me?" Dean's hand on his face was gentle and his gaze was soft, fond… loving.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm just… I dunno what." He exhaled a shaky laugh.

"I know." a small smile of understanding graced his lips, "But right now, I need you. You've got me all laid out and waiting, we've done enough waiting Cas. Just… take me."

Who could possibly refuse an invitation like that? Cas knew he never would. He only nodded, claiming Deans lips once more in a searing kiss and _breaching_. Inch by agonising inch Dean's body opened under him, slowly accepting Cas' slickened length. Dean stilled beneath him, breathing deep and even when he bottomed out, Cas on the other hand was gasping, arms shuddering with holding himself up. He had no right to go to pieces now, not when Dean was looking up at him as though he was the only person in the world, he should be the one who was gathering Dean up, cherishing every breath that left those incredible lips and worshipping this body that was so perfectly willing, waiting for Cas to make the first move.

One breath.

Two.

Dean's eyes closed, relishing the first small shift of Cas' hips with a tiny smile. Cas dropped Dean's leg, needing more contact, needing his lips on his, hands grappling for purchase as he moved within him. As if reading his mind Dean gripped at his ribs, free hand winding into his unruly hair and dragging him down to another round of battling tongues. Using his feet to give him enough leverage to fuck Cas right back, "_Holymotherfuck_. Cas, oh fuck Cas!"

Cas took him rough and hard, loving the feeling of Dean falling to pieces beneath him. He was flying high, the grip of Dean's muscles spurring him on and the never ending monologue forcing him up and up, higher into this sweet delirium. It might have seemed frantic and sloppy, but it was perfection that Cas had never felt before, for all their roughness there was an answering caress, every snap of hips eliciting breathy moans. Dean brought their foreheads together, his eyes closed, face slack under the barrage of pleasure. Cas twined their hands, pinning them to the pillow below, circling his hips and dragging a groan from Dean and answered it with one of his own, feeling the clasp of muscles that screamed with pleasure as he hit Dean's prostate.

The inevitable devolution of their lovemaking started there, Cas found the spot again, setting a slow drag that pulled Dean's orgasm closer and made him _clench_ dragging Cas along in his wake. It was more than mere sensation, the way Dean arched into him, pressing their chests together, freeing a hand to hold Dean's face, toying with the faint lines the crows feet left behind, pressing lips against lips. It wasn't just sex, they were laying down the very foundations that would hold them together. When Dean looked up at him, it was with every feature shining with love. Dean's soul was laid bare in that moment, inviting him into it's warmth and he felt like his chest was going to explode with the adoration he was receiving.

"_Oh god Dean! Dean!_" It was too much, felt too good. He had flown as high as he could, pulled there by Dean's hands and mouth and body, and now he was going to fall. Head over heels, down and down over the edge that could only be Love, but damnit if Dean wasn't coming over with him. His breath was punched from his lungs in one final movement of his hips, hips that had stuttered to a halt at his release.

"-_olyfuckingchris_-" Cas didn't notice much of Dean's words, but he heard the loud moan that replaced them as he climaxed, untouched between them, hands scrabbling at his back for purchase as they fell together.

Panting, gasping breaths and the feel of Dean's limbs trembling around him filled the next few minutes. He pressed tiny, fluttering kisses against his temple, the shell of an ear, jaw, trying to sooth Dean back into reality. When Dean's eyes finally refocused, they sought him instantly, locking on and seeing straight to his heart with a simple glance. He 'humfed' happily when Cas rolled to his side and plastered himself against him, nuzzling his chest in an uncharacteristic display of affection. Cas wouldn't have stopped him for the world, he only stroked Dean's back and felt the flames dial back to embers once more, but embers still burn. Cas grinned down at the top of Dean's head. "I love you too."

"Good." It was mumbled tiredly at his stomach, but Cas could feel the warmth emanating from him, covering his own like a blanket and lulling him into a dreamless sleep.


	9. Feeling Good

Undisclosed Desires

Dean decided that 'later' was the minute Gabriel dropped off, still telling him all about how amazing his cousin is. He wasn't surprised to find that Cas was waiting for him, laying across his bed, reading without actually taking any notice, The Smiths was filtering through the room from his laptop speakers. When he entered Castiel didn't drop the book, he looked over the top of it with a raised eyebrow, eyes magnified behind those damn glasses and X-raying straight through his bravado and seeing right to his intentions.

"I've been expecting you, Mr. Winchester," he smirked, Dean closed the door behind him and crossed to the bed, suddenly nervous. "Although you are a little earlier than I'd anticipated."

"Gabe wore himself out telling me how amazing Jo is."

"So you stopped by for a goodnight kiss?" He purred, finally closing the book and stowing it on the bedside table. Dean didn't reply as Cas removed his glasses and placed them beside the book, he knew he was in trouble now. Like so many of their conversations (most of them alcohol fueled) he was at a disadvantage, Cas had a way of disarming him and making him lose his footing, no matter how many times he ran through an intended conversation in his head, it always turned out differently because of Cas' incapability to stick to the script. Ever since he and Cas had become 'friends' he felt like his world had been off kilter, and those glasses didn't help. Castiel Novak was a nerd, a geek, the glasses only cemented it, magnifying his stunning blue eyes until they looked positively alien, Dean had never understood how Jo could stand to be looked at by him all the time. But then they started drinking together, and falling all over each other in their heightened states and all of a sudden the glasses would inevitably come off when they started bothering him and Dean would lose his bearings once more. When the barrier was removed he no longer looked alien, or strange, but beautiful. Could Dean help it if he noticed?

"Um…" Yep, big trouble he thought as Cas' grin only widened at his lack of response. He was a complete goner.

""Come here." Cas straightened up, making space for him on the bed. Dean didn't know why he was so damn nervous, less than two hours ago he'd been thoroughly and happily wrapped around the other boy, now he felt skittish again. He received another x-ray stare, only slightly dulled by the loss of the glasses. "Are you okay?"

"I… uh…" Screw it- words were never his forte anyway- he seized Cas' shoulders and brought their lips together. Cas responded immediately, bringing their bodies together from knee to chest and pressing him down towards the comforter. It was so much more intense than any of his previous experiments, having someone being physically able to push him down- maybe even if he resisted- was incredible. Girls were soft and pliant, or plastic and thorny. Cas was solid and angular but in the most alluring way, his weight settled between Dean's legs, pinning him to the mattress easily and Dean loved every second.

* * *

Cas was amazing, and funny, and a kick ass kisser. Dean had a skip in his step for a week after their first (and second, slightly hotter) kiss, he couldn't help it, Cas was just that awesome. When friday night rolled around, after ten days of sneaking off to more secluded parts of the school campus and goodnight kisses when Gabriel kicked him out, they met at Ash' place. Jo was already there when he entered, dragging Sam in his wake, no sign of Gabe and Cas yet. Gabe was bringing their bottle though, so he knew they'd show and Cas had promised they'd start a new drinking game and make out later. It was going to be a great night.

When they finally arrived, Gabe tossed him a bottle and Cas threw him the DVD case. He caught the bottle, much to Cas' annoyance. Jo hustled to the kitchen to get them glasses while he loaded the DVD.

"Leopard." Dean announced to the room, "that's what you're waiting for folks. This is going to be the best drinking game ever!"

"I knew I shouldn't have left him with you, you've broken him." Gabe shot him an alarmed look, "Couple of hours with you and your weirdo movies and Deano's a freaking convert!"

"What can I say, I'm a bad influence." Cas shrugged. Dean caught his eye and grinned. He might have had to repress a squirmy feeling in his stomach at that.

"Seriously, this is gonna be so much fun!"

"I just wanna watch the movie." Sam added to Gabriel and Ash' stormy looks.

"Fine, we'll watch it, but only because the kid wants to." Ash agreed, clutching his bottle suspiciously.

"Honestly, you guys are ridiculous!" Jo called from the kitchen, "Just put the damn thing on already!"

Dean settled onto Ash' couch beside Cas and hunted out the remote, 'accidentally' brushing a hand over his thigh in his quest to start the movie. He felt, rather than saw Cas grin as he pressed play and settled in beside Cas.

0:05- "That guy sounds weird. Where's the Leopard at?" Ash frowned.

0:08- "No one's even seen a Leopard in this, you're just torturing us!" Gabriel accuses.

0:11- "I hate you both." Ash stormed.

0:17- "Shot!" Jo grins.

0:17.08- "Shot!"

0:17.21- "Oh crap shot!"

0:18.01- "How many times did they just say Leopard?" Jo groans

"Six I think." Cas gasps, wiping his mouth.

"Is the whole movies gonna drop the L word like that?" Ash asks grinning

"Yup!" Dean says triumphantly.

0:36.42- "LEOPARD!" They all agree, sam is watching the shots disappear with an awed look.

"You guys are gonna be so trashed."

0:52.39- "I can't give you anything but looooooove baby!" Gabriel has his head on Jo's shoulder and is mumbling to his shot before he takes it down in one.

"Can we get a Leopard?" Sam asks to the room.

"Only if we call it baby. I like baby, she's cute." Jo says, shrugging Gabriel off her and pulling Sam to his feet and waltzing on the spot to the sound of Grant and Hepburn murdering classic blues on the television. "You're getting too tall to dance with Sammy, you promised not to grow anymore!"

"Um, sorry?"

"I can do the honours, mi'lady," Gabriel shoots to his feet and pulls her from Sam and into a showy dip.

"Only because he took dance lessons in London." Cas says in a stage whisper.

1:22.04- "Aww, they lived happily ever after!" Jo beams.

"Gross!" Ash tosses another shot back.

"EW!" Sam groans at the sappyness on screen.

"Girls suck!" Cas agrees.

"Boys do too!" Jo fires back.

Their evening dissolved from there, Sam was out and using the chair arm as a pillow by half ten while Ash and Cas were shooting the shit about their classes. Dean decided now would be an opportune moment to grab a few beers from Ash' personal stash and set off for his the garage, what was less opportune, was that Jo and Gabriel were doing the same, while having a rather heated discussion.

"...Didn't you just ask me Gabe, seriously!" Jo sounded exasperated.

"When your cousin has already laid the groundwork it makes it a bit difficult."

"Yeah, right!" Jo laughed humorlessly, "That's over Gabriel, for fucks sake!"

Dean didn't catch Gabriel's reply, it was muttered under his breath.

"We're hardly the star-crossed lovers Gabe! I'm pretty sure he's more interested in guys anyway."

"What?" Gabriel scoffed, "Cas is as straight as they come!"

"Have you seen him and Dean?" Dean's heart sped up, thumping hard against his chest.

"Yeah, well the judicial application of alcohol can make people nuts."

"Exactly!" Jo said triumphantly, "And thats all it was with us, booze and opportunity. Gabe… please just-" her words were cut short. Dean would have bet his life that Gabriel had kissed her, he didn't really wanna hear anymore. He counted to ten then made a lot of fuss with the door handle before swinging the door wide and stepping into the garage. The pair had a guilty look and ruffled clothes, Dean chose not to comment.

"Hey! Any beer left?"

"Yeah!" Jo said in her most chirpy voice, "Want us to bring more through?"

"Yeah Gabe can grab em'." he smiled.

"Sure." Gabriel shot to the fridge and started rooting through it, Jo was giving him a measuring look.

"So how much did you hear?" She asked in a whisper, pretending to examine the tool wall when he joined her.

"A bit." No point in pretending he hadn't.

"Oh. And you're not yelling. Yay for personal growth!" It was laced with sarcasm, but Dean could hear the relief in her voice.

"Nope, at least Gabe has honorable intentions."Jo gaped at him, "For what it's worth, you've got my blessing."

"Not that I need it, but thanks." she grinned, regaining some of her composure, "And ditto for you and Cas by the way."

"There's nothing going on with me and Cas!" he answered quickly.

"Yeah whatever!" she rolled her eyes, Dean was about to argue but Gabe finally resurfaced from the fridge with a pair of six packs and threw one at him.

"Jo knows." He muttered to Cas when he flopped onto the sofa, handing him a beer.

"How?" He hissed back, trying to focus through the glasses and failing. Cas stuck them in a pocket and frowned at him.

"No clue. She and Gabe were having an argument in the garage and she mentioned it to me after too."

"Well crap. Sometimes your favorite cousin is a pain in the ass Winchester." Cas shook his head, cracking his beer open and clinking it against Dean's.

"Only cousin." Jo was stood right behind them, inches away. They'd been so wrapped up in their conversation they hadn't noticed her grinning maniacally.

"Jo… Don't-" Dean started.

"You two are just so cyoot!" She gushed, pulling them into a hug that bashed their heads together and jostled Sam awake beside Cas.

"Whathehell?" Sam mumbled.

"Jo's having kittens over something," Ash told him as he wiped sleep from his eyes. "Damned if I know what though."

"Is it Cas and Dean?" Sam asked promptly, looking between the pair.

"What?" Cas looked gobsmacked.

"Sammy?" Dean narrowed his eyes dangerously, "What are you talking about?"

"Well you're together aren't you?"

"Where did you hear that?" Cas asked perplexed.

"Dean talks in his sleep." Sam blushed furiously.

"And what? I asked a dude out in my sleep?" Dean was honestly not understanding.

"You say his name."

"Oh."

"You say Cas' name in your sleep?" Ash looked like he was about to keel over laughing.

"You say my name in your sleep?" Cas couldn't look more shocked if he tried.

"Oh my god it's adorable!" Jo squeaked, Gabriel was just assessing the pair on the sofa quietly. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Shut up Joanna Beth!" Dean scowled. Sam was avoiding his gaze, studying the carpet instead and refusing to look at him. He sought Cas' reaction, which was a wide eyed, round shouldered shrug. Well if it was gonna come out any time, now would be it.

"So you and Cas are… Boyfriends?" Ash was practically trembling, gripping his thighs as if it would contain his mirth.

"Um, yeah. I guess." Dean agreed. Sam finally looked up at him, relief and pride obvious in his features.

"Prove it!" Jo hollered, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

The resounding "No" she received in return came from all five of the boys. Ash finally allowed himself his laughing fit, emerging after a couple of minutes with a bright red, tear stained face to say, "Congrats." Then laughed some more. Jo joined him in his laughter, popping her can open and sitting beside an ominously silent Gabriel. Cas gave his hand a squeeze and leaned in, "I'm your boyfriend? Don't you think I should have been consulted on this one?" it was playful and light.

"Nah I prefer to make grand statements then expect everyone to keep up." Dean grinned, "So you see, you're stuck with me now."

"I guess I'll just have to make do." Cas raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down suggestively.

"Cas. A word?" Gabriel had finally broken his silence and frowned at Dean's thigh, where Cas' hand was still on his.

"Gabe?"

"Now Cas." His tone was firm. Cas let go of Dean's hand, standing to follow him into the kitchen but Dean linked their fingers again and pulled himself up.

"I'm coming with, if you want me to." He answered Cas' questioning gaze before filing into the kitchen with hands still locked together. To his credit, Gabriel didn't even blink when Dean followed Cas, he only leaned against the counter with his arms folded firmly across his chest and frown still in place.

"So… this is interesting," a hand gestured between them before being shoved back across his front, "Care to fill me in?"

"What exactly did you want to know?" Cas asked, levelling his gaze at the boy coolly.

"I thought you hated him, Cas."

"So did I." Cas shrugged.

"And what? All is forgiven?" The scowl deepened minutely, "I'm just not seeing it."

"We've resolved all of our former issues, if that's what is bothering you." Cas' tone was ice cold, Dean didn't know how Gabe could hold up under it.

"And now you're 'Boyfriends'. Last time I checked you were straight!" Air quotes and all, must be a family thing, because Gabriel's tone was just as withering as Cas'.

"Is that what this is about Gabriel?" The ice was receding, speedily replaced with angry heat, "You don't want a queer in the family?"

"As if!" Gabe snorted indelicately, "He used to beat you up in the corridors and made your life hell Cas, you think I'm gonna be over the moon that you're jumping into the sack with him? Until last week you couldn't be alone in a room together and hold a conversation!"

"History. Over and done with." Cas said with finality. Dean's insides squirmed at the accusations, he would never dispute the truth behind them, but he'd changed. He'd worked so hard for so damn long to be better than he was, to reclaim some measure of his long lost empathy and to pull back his stupidity and reforge his relationship with Jo. He thought he might have even succeeded, but here he was, months later still being accused.

"It's that easy is it?" Gabriel said witheringly, his eyes shot to Dean, "What about you bigshot? You're being awfully quiet over there."

"Gabe, just- just let me explain okay?" Gabriel snorted again, but settled more comfortably against the counter.

"Shoot."

"When I found out about Jo and Cas I was a complete douche." Cas shot him a quelling look and made to cut across him, but he ploughed on. He shook his head with a grimace and made himself continue, for both of their sakes, "There were a lot of things said, and not a lot of it was by me. Jo told me I was little better than pond scum, and she was right, I was a grade A asshole to Cas, and Cas basically told me I was unworthy of even giving him an apology for my actions. Man, that fucking hurt!" Cas looked at him curiously, they'd purposefully never discussed it, mostly on Dean's part, he'd never been so completely mortified in his life than on that day, the memory still stung. It was lucky there had been many a Leopard mentioned in the movie, he'd never have been able to do this sober, "So naturally I was pissed, I was gonna tear him a new one, wait after school, kick him into a pretzel shape then back again." Gabe's eyes flashed at that, "But I didn't. I couldn't. I spent the whole day sat in classes with all of their words running on a loop in my head, and I knew they were fucking right. So I tried to be better, for Jo, to make her want to be around me again. So by default I had to be nice to him." He jabbed a finger at Cas, who was listening to every word as if there might be a test at the end, committing it all to memory, "I was going out of my way, bending over freaking backwards to be good, to earn the right to give him one apology. Just even getting a fucking sentence out of this guys is impossible if you pissed him off, I've never jumped though so many fucking hoops in my life and it still wasn't enough!" This was thrown at Cas with an exasperated smile.

"You really tried that hard?" Cas said in a low voice, eyes shining.

"Yeah and you didn't even notice me! Christ!" He ran a hand across the back of his neck trying to find the words that might begin to describe his feelings, he chuckled darkly "You have no right to be so damn frustrating! I was going crazy trying to get a single word out of you, even though Jo had already made peace with me, I just couldn't let it go. When summer break started I was hatching plans to just follow you around school all of senior year until you'd talk to me!"

"Wow, I'm that oblivious huh?" Cas huffed a laugh, "So what Gabe turned up and ruined it for you?"

"Nah, Gabe turned up and looked like he needed a friend." He shrugged, shooting a look at Gabriel. He was deep in contemplation, this was another undiscussed event, finding Gabe wet and shaking in the graveyard and taking him to the salvage yard, drying him out in more ways than one. "Then you turned up that night, with Gabe and it was my chance you know? Its not like you could avoid me when it was just us. That was the first time I actually really saw you though, all those times at school, being an asshole and trying to befriend you, I'd never seen you, not really. But when you were talking to Ash and throwing insult after insult at me… I guess you'd been under my skin a lot longer, but that's when I realised it."

"Gross!" Gabriel rolled his eyes, but at least he was humoring them. "I think I know the rest."

"No, you don't Gabe, but as it's for Cas' ears only I'll let you pass if you like."

"Oh thank Moses, I was about to lose my lunch!" Gabriel pulled a face, pulling Cas into a gruff hug and whispering something to him before he let go, he did the same with Dean and whispered, "I'll kick your ass if you hurt him."

"Ditto dude, look after blondie in there." He muttered back, they shared a look before Gabe left the kitchen, closing the door firmly behind him. "That was relatively painless…"

"Oh you're not off the hook yet, Mr. Winchester." Cas was leaning into his personal space, "It was just getting interesting. Continue."

"Aw come on Cas, don't make me!" He knew he sounded like a whiney kid, but now it was just the two of them he felt a hell of a lot more sober.

"Nope, I like hearing nice things about me." Dean's neck was suddenly host to a purring, nuzzling dark haired boy, "Keep going."

"Well… next is what we talked about. The whole not being able to talk around you thing, I just didn't know how to speak to you. I was on edge for weeks!"

"Hmm… yes, I remember that." Dean could feel his heart rate escalating again, Cas was running his elegant fingers up and down his spine, laying tiny kisses against his pulse. "And now?"

"Right now?" Dean hesitated, still not knowing what Cas wanted to hear, or how to enunciate the way his mind swam and his body reacted to those simple touches.

"Right this second. How do you feel?" Cas drew back to sneak a peek at his face, wicked smile playing at his lips, "Shall I give you a clue?" he resumed the butterfly kisses.

"How about, _Good_?" a touch of tongue at his collarbone singed his senses.

"_Nice_?" a stripe was teethed up his jugular, he shivered.

"_Hot_?" the press of the lips on his jaw.

"I've got it," those sinful, poisonous lips travelled to his ear and dropped the word straight in, "_Hard_."

Cas brought their groins together, and hell if he wasn't right.


	10. Undisclosed Desires

Patience truly pays off folks! My assessment got handed in a day early, go me! Unfortunately real life is catching up with me again, I've landed myself a job after nearly a year of looking and still have a bunch of uni work to do. I had a little bit of bad news at the weekend as well, so having a bit of a rough time :(

Hopefully I'll be able to update again later in the week.

* * *

The light filtering through the drapes was soft, surrounding them in sleepy glow and the apartment around them was quiet, as though it was holding its breath. They were timeless that morning, speaking in hushed voices to fill in the shrinking gaps in their knowledge and relearning things that were once forgotten. It felt to Cas as though they were exposing parts of their souls, piece by piece without fear of rejection or judgement. They were a mirror image of one another as they lay facing, on their sides, Dean would trace his waist, trail light touches up his neck, twining fingers through his hair. Dean himself was subjected to a thorough examination from Cas' hands over his chest and torso, touching on scars old and new. If he could, Cas would have preserved it in amber, stopped the clock ticking and lived in that moment forever. It couldn't last, soon they'd have to get up, go see family and friends, get back to work. So they indulged in each other, their time would be better spent that way anyway.

"I wish Jo was here," Cas mused, Dean's hand in his, "She would be so happy right now."

"Yeah, she would, once she'd gotten over telling us 'I told you so' a hundred times." Dean grinned, "We're idiots aren't we?"

"You're the idiot, I told you years ago that we belonged together. Ah the stupidity of youth!" This earned him a playful punch in the arm, "But yeah, even six months ago I would have laughed at the thought that this-" Cas waved a hand between them, "-would happen. Jo wouldn't stop talking about it though, for the last year anyway."

"Really?" Dean looked perplexed, "She wouldn't- she refused to talk to me about you. She said I didn't deserve to know- I had no right to ask." he whispered, "She was right, she was always right about us." Pain and loss warred across his face.

"She was always right." Castiel, leaning into Dean's warmth. "I couldn't have done it without her, lived my life. She was rather belligerent, refusing to allow me to wallow in self pity like I wanted. She forced me to socialise, meet people, make friends. It was never the same… I could never connect with anyone like I did with her but I tried, I wanted to make her happy." He shook his head, smiling slightly. "She was amazing."

"She loved you so much Cas. She didn't speak to me for two years you know?" Dean chuckled, "I'm sorry Cas, I'm sorry for everything that happened between us. If I could go back and change it…" Dean was pensive, wrapped up in his own thoughts. He almost jumped out of his skin when Cas broke the silence.

"When we talked about you, she always took my side at first but then she turned devils advocate. She'd tell me to see it from your point of view, how hard it was for you with all that pressure on you at school and your dad being... himself, looking after Sam… She used to badger me for hours." he let out a frustrated little laugh, "She wouldn't let it go, you know. Kept telling me we were soul mates, that we belonged together. I guess I couldn't fight her anymore, couldn't take the strain of resisting." He reached for his pants, pulling out a crushed soft pack and his cell phone, scrolling through it, then turning the screen for Dean. His cell number was cushioned between Charlie and Doctor. "I was working up the courage to call… I didn't think you'd want me to. Even with all of Jo's assurances, I was so sure you'd reject me again."

"How long have you had that?" Dean felt like his heart was trying to break from his chest.

"I dunno, a month?" Cas shrugged.

"Damn." Dean shook his head wonderingly, "So what did she say when she sent you it?"

"She told me to stop being a pussy and take a chance." He laughed.

"And I gave her shit for not giving you my number!" Dean looked suddenly mortified.

"You told her to?"

"Well yeah, I told her if she wouldn't talk to me about you, then you could do it yourself. I thought she'd lied when she said she'd done it. Never thought you'd pass up the chance to hand me my ass."

"Never underestimate the power of cowardice!"

"In another reality you called when you got that number and we got laid."

"You only want me for the sex. Well, that and my naked body." Cas pouted.

"And if you insist on being naked in my bed, then I'm going to want to do this…" This time when their lips met it was Dean who initiated, Dean who took control and pulled Cas into his arms, held him steady as the world tilted precariously around him. He clung to Dean, allowing him to claim what had always been his. His heart pounded, chest freezing and head spinning. This was everything. When Dean ran his tongue over Cas' bottom lip it sent shivers down his spine and straight to his groin, Dean ran his hands over his ass and suddenly he was eighteen years old again, desperate and begging. Needing Dean like he needed the air he breathed. When they finally parted he was wearing a triumphant grin and drawled, "See, my bed my rules."

Cas felt shaky, somehow he'd lost the upper hand that he'd always maintained in relationships. He could only nod in agreement at Dean's statement and allow his mouth to be plundered once more by Dean's tongue. The momentum of the kiss had him pushed down on the bed, locked in Dean's grip, hands trying vainly to find an anchoring point. He could feel Dean relishing every unfamiliar tremor that ran through him, every inch of skin that goosebumped under his hands. Cas didn't fight it, it felt far too good to have Dean take like this, to relinquish control and know that he was in safe- if somewhat rough- hands. He could feel every twitch of Dean's hardening cock against his, pulling his arousal to attention and driving him crazy as they rutted together.

"I might just keep you here… tie you to the bed and never let you out of my sight." Teeth closed around his left nipple, pulling an indecent moan from the back of his throat. Dean had him pinned by the hips, running his mouth and tongue along his abdomen and ignoring Cas' now rock hard cock that was begging for attention. "You and your delicious cock. I'm sure I could find something that would serve until I found the right cuffs." Another bite, this one to a hip bone. Cas was barely coherent. "Would you like that, Cas?"

"Oh fuck." breathy and willing, he couldn't mask it in his words.

"I'd come home every night and just sink back in. Bet you're so fucking tight."

"Dean…" He felt like the words were being pulled out by Dean's filthy mouth.

"Always on top. Always in control." Dean's lips skimmed his erection, their eyes connected, "You must be dying to try something new Cas."

"Anything." and he would, anything to keep this feeling, to let Dean stake his claim. Dean smirked.

"Anything?" Eyebrow quirked and that smirk still fixed in place, "Hmm… I can think of a few tricks I've picked up." He purred, crawling the length of Cas' body and pressing their groins together. Cas let out a huff of breath at the contact, "You want this?" he was warm and genuinely giving him a choice, if Cas said no now, there would be no hard feelings.

"Yes." He was so wound up, so ready to just lay back and let Dean have his way that the question seemed superfluous. Saying it aloud was less easy, "Just, yes. I- I want it to be you. Yes."

"Good." And just like that Dean's weight on him was gone, sat back on his knees he positioned one of Cas' legs and had him flipped in seconds, he was on all fours, ass in the air, in the middle of Dean's bed. Dean left the bed for a second, retrieving supplies from the floor where the'd been abandoned last night, Cas expected to hear the pop of the lube's cap, the feel of Dean's callused fingers tracing his entrance. He was bracing for the cold touch of lube when something slick and warm brushed against him, making all of the air vacate his lungs in one loud whoosh.

"Dean? Is that-" Another brush, his arms shook under his weight, it felt- just- "ohmigodDean!"

"I thought you might like this particular trick." Cas couldn't answer, Dean's tongue resumed its ministrations, coaxing a groan from his lover when he traced the edge of his entrance. Cas was twitching, shuddering from the intense pleasure that Dean was forcing him headfirst into. He wasn't surprised when his arms gave way beneath him, if Dean hadn't had his hips firmly in his grasp they would have followed too, he buried his face in the pillows and let every sound he'd been holding back be buried there with him. When that wicked tongue finally pushed he felt like crawling away, the sensation was too much, too good, and the fact that Dean was making appreciative noises right back at him… The sound of the lube opening was lost on Cas, but the slick hand that crept between his legs and fastened around his erection wasn't. He wasn't burying his face anymore, he was panting and moaning, feeling every part of him wanting more. Dean's tongue wasn't enough, he needed friction, he wanted Dean.

"Please. Need you- Want-"

"I know," Dean pulled away again, running a soothing hand against his thigh, "Soon, I promise. I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care! Please?" When did he get so desperate? Dean had left him completely. Cas heard the squirt of more lube being added but instead of tensing, instead of trying to evade he pushed backwards presenting himself, begging for more. "I want you to fuck me Dean. Fuck! Need you to. Can't wait for you to fill me up."

"Jesus. Who's in charge here?" Dean asked with a chuckle, "Your wish is my command Mr Novak."

The first digit slid home without an ounce of resistance Cas let out a contented sigh, it was different, yes, but not bad. It was a testament to Dean's incredible tongue that another finger was added in less than a minute and with almost as little notice, Cas felt relaxed and loose as Dean scissored him gently letting him accommodate the size for a moment before bringing a third into play. That one, he felt. His muscles were contracting around the fingers as if just noticing the intrusion, there was a blank feeling as though forcing them apart had taken something away. Cas took a deep breath, trying to relax, to accept the feeling then move on, but it was difficult. As though reading his mind, Dean peppered kisses at the base of his spine and let his free hand trail back to Cas' erection, coaxing and leading him to relax.

"You're doing so good, so so good." He mumbled into Cas' skin, "I'm gonna go slow okay?" Cas mumbled a yes into the crook of his arm, concentrating on the hand around his cock. "So good Cas… You're so beautiful right now." Dean gave him another few seconds of steady breathing before the fingers moved, slowly and gently, spreading him further and reaching perceptively deeper. Thats when he felt it. A soft brush of fingers that sent a wave of warmth straight to his abdomen, his hips locked and he hissed out a breath. Dean did it again. Warmer, his muscles relaxed around the fingers and there was another pulse of heat. Cas hadn't realised he'd started pushing back, fucking himself between Dean's hands. "Fuck. How're you doing Cas?"

"Do- do it again." He was seeking out Dean's fingers, trying to find the overwhelming spark that they pulled from his depths, needing the friction. Dean did it once more, abandoning his erection and pulling their bodies flush.

"I know what you really want Cas," Dean was rock hard against his ass, letting the sparks fly from his fingers once more, then taking them away. "And I'm gonna make sure you'll never get enough. Fuck, I've fucking dreamed of this." He could feel Dean working himself, spreading lube over his length for him and fuck if he was edging back again, wanting to be filled, wanting it to be Dean and only Dean who ever got to do it. "I love you Cas. I love you so much." And finally there was Dean, lining up and sinking unhurriedly down into him. It was hot, and big and weird but deliciously good.

A moment that lasted forever he was still, waiting for some form of permission. Cas shot a glance over his shoulder expecting Dean to be seeking affirmation, but he wasn't looking at him, his head was hung low, eyes closed and lips pressed into a firm line. "Dean?" he sounded totally fucked already, voice hitting a lower register than he'd ever heard.

"I'm okay, shit! You're so fucking tight Cas."

"Just- just move okay?"

Dean nodded, eyes still jammed closed, he moved his hips minutely. Those earlier waves of warmth were blown from Cas' mind when Dean set a steady rhythm, slowly moving within him. There were flames that were spreading outward from the point their bodies joined, fueled by the push of Dean and the give of Cas, catching and running over every inch of his body, warming him from inside out and making sweat break out on his chest. Every slick inch of Dean was mounting pleasure that he'd never imagined, never even known he'd wanted until this moment.

Dean was panting, groaning behind him and sending sighs of pleasure into the warm air. He wished he could see, could lift his head and watch Dean come apart, but the sensory overload the was so completely overwhelming that only Dean's strong hands grasping his hips were keeping him upright. They moved together, bodies rocking and matching eachother thrust for thrust. Cas felt like he'd been waiting every day of their eight year estrangement to feel this, to be one part of the whole.

He was being taken hard and fast, being pushed closer to closer to his climax under Dean's tutelage. That forbidden bundle of nerves was being thoroughly punished. Cas could barely contain the noises falling from his mouth, grunts and whines were projected into the crook of his arm and were answered by Dean's own groans. The tight pressure was building in his abdomen, familiar but a million miles from what he was used to had seized him in an iron grip and dragged him headfirst to completion. Cas couldn't help it, he fucking howled into the silence, hearing Dean pant heavily through his own orgasm, hips stuttering to a halt anď leaning heavily against Cas' thighs. It wasn't much of a surprise when Cas fell forwards, dragging Dean down with him. A bubble of laughter escaped his lips, breaking the post coital buzz in two, drawing a laugh rumbling from Dean's chest.

"Fuck!" Another chuckle fell from Dean's lips, "that was..."

"Mmmh." Cas wriggled below him, face still buried in the crook of his arm and Dean still deep within him. The throb of his climax radiated out from where they were joined, heat licking across every inch of his skin while Dean nuzzled his shoulder, peppering him with tiny kisses as his orgasm eased away.

Hours passed with them wound around one another, drifting in and out of sleep. They talked and kissed, ignoring the minutes slipping by and counting down to the moment when they'd have to make the big decision. Cas put it at the back of his mind, throwing himself into the seconds that remained and into enjoying Dean's willing body below him.

* * *

R+R to feed the plot bunnies!


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